Nervous about work

Suppose to start a new job but keep delaying. I know it is really bad. I don know what to say. Not trying to tale advantage of the company but... I hate myself. Hate my anxiety disorder. Hate my life and fate.

Would I be able to reveal my truth self to everyone? What is my truth self? My weak and bad nature? My selfish ways? I think I am actually a very inferior person inside me. A very insecure person as well. Always wanting others to confirm my actions and also my life. Y can't I live for myself. Y can't I be who I really want to be. Strong, clear, able to do what is on my mind?

Someone that I love the most I would never be with. Someone who really loves me can't give me what I want in life. What should I do? I feel very inferior about relationships. I always believe in fighting for my own happiness but I have failed time and again. I am a divorcee, my appearance look like I fool around. It is hard for ppl to know the real me. I am not pretty, neither attractive in any way. I want to be contended with what I have. The type of guy I am with but I feel he can not give me the happiness that I want. He is too similar to me, the weak me. I need a strong person to be able to help me and lead me. I have been trying. Learning to do what he likes, trying to be the type of girl that he likes. I am tired. Those guys with character that I like will never like me. Cos I am too weak. They would want someone strong. So I am dead both ways. Either I be with someone that I will never be contended with the rest of m life and live in regret. Or I stay single for life cos I cant find a guy with character I love and he will also love me.

I don't know what to do. I just want to focus on my work for now but can I? I have been really very tired and down. My character suck...

Why is my life so tough

I have been feeling down. Sat and Sun went chalet. Supposed to be a very happy occasion but more and more facts I have to face and then I wish I can put him down but I can't yet. I am making myself and my bf unhappy. My heart hurts, how can anyone put down someone so fast? Only 6 months only, if really so fast can only means that I did not really love him at all.

Today my exec spoke with me again. They are confirmed not going to renew my contract. My last day of service would be 7 May. My God, I have not found a job and so fast my contract is ending. I am going to be jobless soon. Who will support me? Who will give me a job that I love as much as this one.

Early this year, I went to fortune teller and he claims my life is going upwards. He claims career and everything is very good. Only have to watch my spenting and health. But what type of this upwards am I encounting now. Nothing but the sadness and badness of life.

Sad sad tweet

The last blog was full of nice things and beautiful memories. Now everything is going downhill and my mood is in the dumps. Recently my dear (don't know still can call that or not) and I have been having problems. We have talked and still stayed together. Just that Tuesday I spoke to him again. Now he is saying things like we dragged very long le. Just when I want to work things out he started saying this type of things. He give me the feeling of good times can be together but bad times and stress times he want to run away. Then can this type of guy become someone's husband. I don't know. He seems to be always using excuses like I am me, can't change or I have not enough time for you to escape from the problems. I dislike it but I love him. I want things to work out!!

Somemore Monday my executive just told me that my contract with current company will not be renewed. I gotta start looking for a job le. I am so depressed. I love my work here..

Want to find ppl to accompany me cos I am down but can't find. Pls take a knife and kill me!

Happy Lunar New Year!!

Ok.. time for update since so long never blog le.

Christmas eve was spent at his place. Then Christmas day went Bintan with Jolyn, Mychal and my dear. Bintan really improved a lot with a lot more facilities. I have a great time there and massage was good too. Check out my facebook or friendster for pics. Yah, we went for the fireflies night tour. So many of them flying all around me. I even got to catch them and some stayed on my hand. So nice. Like Christmas lights on a tree. But hor, after I came back I had allergy reaction and all over body itching like hell. Needless to say MC lor.

Then New Year's eve, we went with Eric to the countdown at Marina South. Yah, paid for the tickets to go in. Love the fireworks a lot. Very beautiful like falling on me. Even nicer then those I saw at National Stadium some years ago.

I was looking forward to a new bed at my dear's place as the old one is a super single and too small for the two of us. Finally later of the month his dad agreed to a new double bed. Though w/o frame sleep is better for us.

Early Jan we decided to break the news that I am a divorcee to his parents. I was thinking what their reaction will be and also what would my dear do if objections come. In the end, though i heard from not so nice comments from my dear, his parents is ok with it. However, his dad started discussing with me regarding ROM and marriage. Hmm... it came a bit fast for me but I was ok with it. So yah, end year ROM and two years later then customary.

Hell came after agreeing to everything his dad says as I realised that he wanted a hand in everything. Wanted to take a look at the bed we want to choose, wanted his own ways when it come to our ROM, wedding and even house matters. In my mind I was thinking, is this my marriage or his? I still have not resolve this issue as his dad have been sick for the last few days, moreover it is CNY and I do not want to spoil the good mood.

17 Jan my dear and me came across a very nice ring at Plaza Sing Lee Hwa. He initially wanted to get it as a proposal ring secretly and give me a surprise, but after stepping out of the shop, he saw me looking so sad and me decided to bring me back and bought on the spot. The ring came eve CNY.

On the first day of CNY 26 Jan, we played mahjong at his place with Jolyn, Eric, Mychal and my dear. At the end of the session, that was about 3am on 27 Jan, my dear proposed to me at the door of his house. I can see tears in his eyes. Although it is not a romantic place and he did not say his words properly, I saw his sincerity and felt very touched. I already feel as if I am the most blissful woman in the world. Yah, u guess right, I accepted the ring. So now, it is on my fingers le lor.

Seems like ups and downs will never escape from our lives. I have to "see the faces" of my relatives, my parent's feelings, his dad's involvement in everything and all these is getting a bit on my nerves. I can't seem to really smile from deep inside my heart. I hope to run away from all these with my dear but I know it is not possible de. Hehe... So now, I just hope that my dear will stay with me and stand with me no matter what happens. So long I know that he loves and dotes on me deeply all these will be worth it :)

Updates

Haha, no time to update blog lor. Been really bzi cos my dear company shutdown mah. So he has a lot of time for me.

Hmm.. Talking about the HP off Sat. Ai yah, my dear did not do it lor. He still sms his friends to confirm Sunday things. Sian. Nvm lah, he is like that de.

Christmas is just round the corner. Wondering what I have got so far? My dear gave me 4 pressies liao.. Rollerblade, Adidas shoe, Jigsaw puzzle and levis jeans. Haha, poor him spent so much on me. As for me, only got him Adidas shoe and couples' tee.

Hmm.. this month overspent so much. Bought so many pressies for colleagues and friends. Don know how many pressies I will get lor. But for sure I know, my two best female buddies will sure get me something I like de.

Looking forward to my Bintan trip 25-27 Dec. Two couples going woh, sure a lot of time for TMM one and I really hope that will happen since Bintan nothing much to play.

Ok, end now. Merry Christmas everyone!

Oh ya, I opened two sprees. Victoria Secret and Cleocat. Be sure to join k!

Need some time just you and me

Wow, one week never update blog again. Sure a lot of things happen one right? Can't really remember a lot. Only that I do feel more and more blissful.

Yesterday me and my dear went rollerblading with Eric in the afternoon. It's not my first time but the first time I tried I was not even able to stand up. Yest end of session, at least I can take baby steps on my rented blades le. After less then 30mins on my skates the sky began play a joke with me and it rained cats and dogs. My dear held on to Eric's umbrella taking baby steps with me. Haha.. funny right? He can like Eric quickly skate to the nearest shelter but he chose to stay in the rain with me. Sweet right? Even when I was learning he refused to go with Eric cos he want to stay there with me. For once I really felt that I am very very fortunate to have someone who really loves me so much. I used to chat with my friends and we discussed that if a boyfriend really used to something and bring a gf along to do it (eg: bf loves jogging and can jog very fast), the gf unable to catch up. The guy would normally feel very frustrated. Or if the girl is to go out with the guy and make a fuss about something he guy will feel very embrassed. But my dear has shown me that how I feel is more impt then what he likes to do and also whether he is embrassed about it at all. I don't know whether you understand what I am talking about above but I had never believe that I would be able to find someone that treats me the same way as Chris used to. Thinking back, I discovered that Chris used to treat me very well as well but I did not know how to appreciate. Now cos appreciation is always on my mind, I began to know that my bf now really loves me so much that himself is no longer that impt anymore. I feel very very touched and blissful. I was thinking yest whether it is he really does love me a lot or it's just his personality. My conclusion, I think cos he really loves me a lot.

It's hard for me to believe that someone would actually put me before himself. Cares about my feelings and stand on my point of view more then his own. But I have seen it with my own eyes and felt it with my own heart. I tell myself, I must treasure my dear more. Treat him better and hope to be the best gf I can be for him.

Yah.. Dear I learn baby steps roller blading le, I can have my own pair of roller blade le hor??

Today I feel very very stressed and bored down. I want some time for myself and some time with my dear alone. Always when we are together, friends would bother us by asking us out or calling us. So far, there is no one day that it's just him and me. I want this day cos I am really suffocating now caring too much about others and others problems but not thinking about my own things. My dear and me are the same type, our friends are always very impt to us de. So we will always do a lot for friends and be there whenever they wish us to be. But maybe, just maybe recently I have been caring about too many people's things at one time that I feel very stressed. I feel like I have no time for myself. Maybe, just maybe one day this week I will suddenly disappear for one day. No one will be able to contact me. Just off my phone and be alone or with my dear only. I told him about this and he says that he would be able to do it. I know it's for my sake. So friends, if one day you are not able to reach any one of us for one whole day, please don freak out. We just need some time for just the both of us...

Cried

I cried a few times last night. Helen always try to act strong and smiley face in front of everyone but deep inside her, if she is sad, she will try to hide one corner and cry. I am being hurt, yes. Maybe I am over reacting the whole situation but it is only one month and he is already taking me forgranted and treating me in a more non-chalant attitude as compared to when we first got together. What will happen in future? Things may get worse.

I am seriously considering to take a break from this relationship. I am weak and not strong. I am really afraid of being hurt. I don't want to put my all in and then in the end get nothing or little back. Should I do it? I don't know. I really love him, I do but....SIGH