I have decided

I have decided to do what I have to do. Follow my needs. I will try to get back together with Alfred. He is what I need. All those others are only my wants and it is not what I really need.

I know I will be happy and those sacrifies are worth it!! :) Work hard Helen, you can do it!!

Cute

Do you think I am cute? Maybe my friends from the past will think so but not the me now. They may take it that I am acting cute. Only Alf knows my truth cutie self.

Where has the bubbly, innocent, Helen gone to? She is still hiding inside me.. Sometimes cannot reveal. Sometimes don feel like revealing.

I have my plans, I have my dreams, when will they ever come true. Would I be able to find someone that loves me like Alf did? Would I be able to love someone that much? If one day, you find me being a really "small woman" to someone, that will be the guy lor.

Poor, very money poor now. Anyone like to contribute? Helen would like to have an anklet and earrings.. Hehe.. Don't buy ok, I just joking and thinking out loud.

Work has taken a turn and also a bit of toll on me. However today is Fri and I feeling very happy. Feel like going out tomorrow. Karaoke or dance or watching movie. Any of the above lor. Hopefully will be having our every Fri meeting tonight....

Work work and work

Most of the things that is occupying my mind is work. I hope and pray to be able to reach all our targets. Everyone will be happy. I will be less stressful. That is my job right?

Being foolish is something that not everyone can do and you have to sacrifice a lot of things to be a fool. People may ask me y be a fool? But a fool will be a happy person cos he/she just need to trust and believe in everything anyone says. No need to doubt, no need to think of ways to counter someone, no need to hate. I like that innocent Helen years ago. Can say a fool but then I was very happy.

M is also in my thoughts. His personality and the way he care for me really touch me. There are restrictions and I will keep by them but I long for some things.

Alf is Alf. I shouldn't expect things from him that is not him. I should be grateful to God for Alf. He actually fits me in everyway. I used to think that we are two perfect fit of a zig-zaw puzzle and I still feel this way. Then y can't I just accept it and change myself? Stubborn? Not having enough fun?

All is fair in the world cos no one is fair. Do you understand this logic? I am beginning to.. I shouldn grumble about things... I am already fortunate enough.

I miss you,
I miss you everyday.
Something special brought us together.
And since the day we met things have changed for me.

What was it that brought us together I can't figure out.
Don't we wish that we have known each other eariler?
Would things be any different?
Would we be happy?
Does it matter since now things is set.

You have your life and I have mine.
Let's just enjoy the company we have in each other.

I Could Fall In Love

I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
'Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
'Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

I could only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still?
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

And I know it's not right
And I guess I should try to do what I should do
But I could fall in love
Fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

Siempre estoy soñada en ti
Besandos mis labios, acariciando mi piel
Abrazadome con ansias locas
Imaginando que me amos
Cómo yo podia amar a ti

So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love
I could fall in love
With you...

Updates

Haven't been really contacting ~ for a few days liao. Sun never even sms him. Yesterday, just sms only. Today, called him a few times and also smsed him. He is very busy.

There is a new guy in my life. M... He is very caring to me and I like it. Hope to be able to know him better and spend more time with him. I enjoy his company a lot. His dogs also. Hehe...

Work wise, things have not been working real well. We need more people. Anyone looking for job, just email me helensim80@yahoo.com.sg

For Alf, I don know what to say. I still don't know whether I should put in effort or not.. Want it but scared...

Should I start all over again?

Strange. There is something wrong with blogger. Cos this blog is suppose to be made on 30th Apr on 12.04am. How come they put another date?

This has been on my mind for a very long time. Should I go back together with Alf? I cannot remove the hurt in me, I am very scared. Can we be more loving then any other normal couple in the world. More loving then in the past? Would we be able to trust each other again. Would we be able to fully devoted to each other again? We would really need to work real hard and be like "xiao long nu" and "yang guo". I regret very much leaving him that time, I should have given us the chance to make things right. Now it's hard to return things back to before. I could loose him forever now. I realise that I still have feelings for him. I am very very very selfish. I know. But what can I do now? I don't have the strength. I am crying as I am typing this blog. I feel very very rotten now.

What if I start all over again all by myself? A new life completely w/o him. Would I be able to take it? I long to be the foolish Helen again. If I choose this path, I will have to give up my marriage cos being married means I have to be strong. If I choose to concentrate on Alf, then I may have to give up my dream of being a Manager.

I long to be cared for again. To be loved again. I have to make the decision fast cos I have no time. Someone else is on my trail. I may loose Alf forever. I need directions, I need to know what I want. I need God.

Crying here alone, I long for someone to hold me. To tell me all things would be ok again. To tell me that he would always be here for me. Who would that person be? Would I ever be together with him??? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? All this is killing me. I only I can run away from all these. I long to run away. I want to run away. I don't want to be hurt, confused. I hate this. Why am I crying. Why do I have to cry. I chose this path myself and I have to bare with it.

Torn apart

This post is done on the night of 25th April. Donno y date registered wrong.

I feel torn apart now.. How come only he can make me feel this way? Except from Alf, no one else have made me feel like that liao. I wish to set up a family with him. Bear him kids, take care of the family for him so that he can go out and work in peace. He need not worry about anything else. When he comes home, we will be with him. No matter how stressful or unhappy he is, when he reach home, that is his comfort zone. Everything is released. Only Alf and ~ have made me want this with.

He and his gf is good. His gf is improving and making him happy. Can she last like this? I believe she is putting in effort to make this relationship work liao. Y can't it be me? Why have things come to suh a stage. Y did I allow this to hurt me so so much?

I have no one. No one to hug me and tell me that everything is ok, everything would be ok. My feelings is like the heavy pouring rain out there. God please heal me!! I need You.

Crying silently here. Does anyone care, does anyone know? The last time I felt this way was when I heard the news from Alf. I promise not to let myself get hurt like this anymore. Y Y Y Y...........................

Dreaming of you

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
Thinking of me too
~ * ~ * ~
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
~ * ~ * ~
Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
Would you even care?
~ * ~ * ~
I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day
And the courage to say how much I love you
Yes I do
* ~ * ~
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

Dress

Today wore a new dress to work. B said it is awful on me. So sad. I know I look a bit fat in this dress but awful??? Cry.. sob. Asked my other colleagues and they feel it's ok with the cardigan. Sigh... If anyone wants, then I sell, if not I keep lor.

Yest night Alf read my blog and started acting funny. I know why he reacted in this way but I do feel not good. I wonder what will my final choice be, but I do treasure my time and "friendship" with Alf.

As for ~, not much about him. We still din't get to meet and he still did not sms much except before he sleep yest smsed me.

Today I am taking time off. Going to c dr at SGH for my appt. Actually, I also made an appt with a slimming centre. I hate the fats around my tummy, thighs and chin. Hope to get rid of them. Should I go??? I wonder.

Morning

Good morning everyone. I seem cheery today right? Hmm.. cos nothing much happen yesterday to upset me.

Wanted to meet ~ so much yest but he was with his gf.. Ok... Then didn't even answer my sms.. Sad. Watched the 7pm and 9pm Channel 8 yesterday. So wishing ~ was with me. Those people that did watch the shows would know. I wonder if I died (though I am not a superstar) people would still remember and get sad over me. I wonder how many there will be. But please don't stay in depression for too long. Maybe, just maybe there will be people who are happy. At least I know there will be one cos he feels that life is a place of unhappiness. Being able to die is also a blissful thing.

After watching those shows, my mind begin to wander. Went back to those days I was with Alf. Life though boring and uneventful, I had someone who really cares about me beside me. We could share all our troubles and happiness. I do regret making that choice sometimes. But... I believe that things in life happen for a reason and most of the time, we will learn something to benefit us. God will never put us in something that we cannot take.

Yesterday the documentary at Arts Central was good. Planet Earth and was talking about fresh water. A lot of sights and animals to see. Alf also watched the 2nd half with me. I enjoyed it.

I wish that I can go back to the past Helen. The kind cared, caring, not bothering about how others treat me but just be nice to them, never thinking that anyone is scheming against me. Life has toughen me up and I have become more bad and careful...

Oh ya almost forgot to add, yest someone told me that when she first met me and B, she thought we are a couple. She asked why am I not together with B. I told her that it is B that rejected me, not me rejecting B. She refused to believe it.. Hee.. She feels that B and me is really compatible..

I trust him

I choose to trust ~ and I will wait. Foolish? Stupid? I don't care. I want my happiness and I am willing to put in the effort for him cos I think he is worth it.

~ was sick yesterday. I hurt too. I wish I can be there to take care of him till he is well. Cook nice soup to help him with his illness. Be beside him to hold him so that he may feel better. Well.. I am not his gf, I can't do that. I wish that his gf will be doing that. ~ does need that type of care.

Finally yesterday can get to go home on time. Played my burger rush and also watched Gakuen Alice.. Arrhhh, can't find ep 13. Then my internet decided for me that it is time to rest, it just refuse to connect. Ok then, I have to off my pc and rest.

Talked to Alf. Everything was fine till I received a phone call resulting in us to squabble again. Sigh, why must Alf always make me get upset? Chest pain again. I told him that I feel that I am a little ant. He press it one time, it doesn't die. He try another time and again it still don't die. He wants to press it till it dies. I know I am very bad thinking in this way but I feel that way. Maybe, just maybe we are just out to anger each other. Do we hate each other? Maybe in our hearts bah..

Foolish girl

I heard of some "bad" information yesterday that I can't digest. It's about ~ of course. I don't know whether I can trust that information. I have to think things through.

Smsed ~ regarding the information that I got yesterday. Refused to tell him who told me somethings. He told me there is no other girl with him other then me and his gf. I think I will choose to trust him. Is he worth such a big sacrifice and to wait. I don't know. Using my brains to think, I am a very foolish girl. But then, chinese saying "sa ren you sa fu", meaning foolish people has foolish fortunes. Should I continue, would I be happy this way?

Had a good time talking to B again yesterday. I enjoy his company. He is really a great company. Sometimes I wonder why we can spent hours just talking. If you ask me what we talk about, I can't really pin point also. Just everything under the sun. If only, if only there is a chance for me and him..

Life

What does most normal woman want in life? A happy marriage with doting husband and lovely kids. A good career. Money. Friends.

What does most normal man want in life? A happy mariage with a good wife to support them. Career. Money. Friends, plus sex.

Sigh, am I right or wrong. I feel that way. That sex issue with man has caused a lot of them to have broken marriage due to external parties. Having another sex partner outside marriage, is that the common thing now? Why must man do this? Is the chinese saying "which cat doesn't eat fish" correct/true?

Last week, I think I had a good week. I enjoyed those drinking, talking session with B. Just being friends. I think we would be better off as friends. If we are bf and gf, I would have more expectations from him and would end up breaking up. A lot of times, I wish I am a guy. Then I can be buddy buddy with him. Would like that a lot. Although ~ was still on my mind. I could still enjoy my sessions and work. That's quite good.

Until Sat night, or should I say Sun morning. ~ sms me. I don't know.. It kindda rekinds all those bad feelings again. I don't know what I should do. Or rather, I know what is the correct thing to do but my mind does not obey my heart. I still love him and love hurts.

Can I ever go back to the times when I was just having a simple marriage with doting husband. I only need to concentrate on my career and everything else is well taken care of. I wish and want to have a good marriage with doting husband and kids. I long for that more then anything else. In life, things are always hard and it is up to you to fight and work for your happiness.. I fail. I can't.

Somemore, stupid menses is making me feel bad today also. 2nd day and its killing me. Late nights last week plus that menses is killing me.. Arhhhhhhh..

Nice quiet night

Yesterday so nice.. After leaving office, B and me went to distribute flyers at Bedok Interchange. We stopped at about 8.30pm. Legs tired, hands numb.. Hehe..

We went Mac where I had my dinner. Then we went coffeeshop sit down drink. Haha, can't believe that we can actually drink and chat till 11.30pm. So much to talk about. Work, personal life, etc. It's sure nice talking to him.

No, no, don't think the wrong way. We are both only friends and I guess will remain that way. Better to stay like that also. Then I wouldn have too many expectations from him and he wouldn't be tied down too much. Yah, I guess some people are just meant to be friends.

I am still hanging on to ~. Though we never spoke to each other for so long and also still thinking about him. I am missing him. His looks, his smile and also his driving pattern. Sigh.... wonder how he is doing with his gf and also how is his working life. I guess he should be very stressed up. I wish I can be there to comfort him. I know I can't help him much in his work, but at least be there for him. Help him relax a bit after working hours. I can't be the one now, I know. Hopefully his gf is doing the job now..

For ~

A draft of a song I am coming up with for ~. It is not yet really a song, it needs to be perfected.. Just write down for reference.


Thinking of you
I am thinking of you
You have always been on my mind
never taking a moment of leave
Worrying how's your life
caring about your feelings
Do you know how much I care

* I just want you to be happy
I like the smile on your face
It brightens up my day
It removes all hurt in me

I remember
the good times we have had
reviving them in my mind
it empowers my life
If only you can give us a chance
We would be a blissful pair

*
And I love you so..

Yesterday

After work yesterday, went out with David, Res, Andy and Hazel. Hazel called me asking to go out for a small drink and talk. We also invited Res, David and Andy along. Have to "force" David and Res to go out.

I met with Res at Paragon first then we all met up at Paradiz Centre. Had dinner at foodcourt then David drove us to meet Andy. Wanted to go his work place but found out he on his way home.. Haha.. Poor David. Like our driver for the day. I feel very bad regarding this.

Then after picking Andy, we went to Sentosa. Went to a pub there and chill out. Hazel and me had one alcoholic drink each while the guys had non-alcohol.. Haha, once in blue blue moon. Strike lottery liao. David is very very tired, somemore got impt meeting today. I went for a walk with Res and we talked about my life. Then David called to say he going back, so we proceed back. It was already about 11pm plus liao. Over his sleeping time, hehehe.... Poor David he must be terribly tired today.

David drove us all to Vivo and Hazel went back on her own. Bad bro Andy. I have always think that all girls should be sent home by a guy since it is that late at night. Andy went home alone also. Res send me home and waited with me for Wong for the office keys. Then he went home.

Nothing much happened. I enjoyed the gathering and talking session. But inside me still feeling very terrible cos of ~. I still think about him a lot.. a lot. Half of me wishes for ~ to be good and happy with his gf. The other half wants him to be with me. I believe very strongly that we will be very happy together. Yes, we may still have things that we don't agree on but I am sure we would be able to resolve it.. If only, if only there is a chance for me to prove that.

Yong Qi

I am on half day leave today. Now at my friend's house blogging. This morning, I thought of a lot of things to write but now a bit speechless.

~ has finally made up his mind to give his relationship with that girl one last try yesterday. He told me to stop waiting. But can I do so. I hate that girl for hurting him so. I don't think that this last chance will work out but a bit of me hope that it will cos I want ~ to be happy. I told him, anything he does just be happy and I will support him. Saying is easy, doing is not. I am very down. Very hurt. I feel that things have not been fair to me. Today a song keep going in my brain.. Yong Qi by Liang Jing Ru. I want to give this song to him. I hope to have a start with him. In fact, I also do hope to get married and set up a family with him. We have our differences, but I believe that we will be very happy and blissful together. If ~ is reading this, just go and be a happy man. If things doesn't work out with her, pls pls stop the whole thing. I just want you to be happy!!!

Love sucks

Love sucks.. Maybe B is right, humans like to torture themselves. They like to hurt. I know that I am rebellious, likes to fight for my own rights also discovered that those ppl that I fight to have I will treasure more. I didn't treasure Alf enough, didn't love him enough that's y I left. Given another chance, I guess both me and Alf will work harder to make things work. But all is too late.

Hurt has occupied my heart and mind. But the wonderful lunch at Delifrance just now did make me feel better. I know that B will not accept me and I will not harbour anymore hope anymore.

As for the one that hurt me... Let's call him ~. I am willing to wait for him but should I continue doing things that I should not do? ~ is a guy that everyone will dream of being with. Nice, sweet, nice family, handsome, comfortable income. I guess there would be a lot of girls after him, what makes me exclusive from the rest of them. Nothing I guess. Even if I wait, maybe other girls will be the one that will get his attention and he will be with them instead. I really don't know what to do. I wonder how come I can fall for someone just in two weeks time. All the while I like him as a friend, I also know that he is the most eligible one amongst all. But could someone really fall in love so fast. Though I have known him for years?

I dislike the girl that is hurting ~ now. He deserve better then her. He deserve to be with someone that really understands him, help him in his career and family, truthly love him. But all is up to ~. I respect his choice though I wish he can stop letting that girl hurt him. Enough is enough, that girl has turned his life upside down and as if it is not enough. SIGH...

Guys will never treasure girls that they can get easily. Lose them then guys will think about the girl and wish that he can have them back. Always, it is too late... Guys out there reading my blog, friends please do not commit the same mistake. Treasure those that love you!!

Miserable

Drank some alcohol last night. To really count, 1 can. Not a lot, but enough for me lor. Alf was at home, I cannot drink too much also. I am so so upset. Maybe I am just not attractive to anyone. No good qualities at all. What has life got in store for me? What decisions should I make. Should I continue with this miserable life? Should I just let everything go. Saying is easy, doing is hard. No one to stand with me, no friend nor shoulder to cry on. Just myself. Me alone. I wish to get away, go for a short trip myself. But how??? No money, don know where to go. And alone? Can I make it? Never tried going overseas alone. I need a friend, a friend that I can be with and just cry. No need to say anything just let me cry. Not one that scolds me, not one that just want to bed me, no need to counsel me also.... Thanks...

Y am I here?

I am down. Really down again. Very hurt.. my heart is painful. I am a girl that no one wants, no one appreciates. Maybe I have made my wrong choice. Maybe.. just maybe.

I shouldn't. I shouln't have fall for someone who has not settle his own affairs. It is said to be a no committment thing and I should have made my heart as that. Y, y have I fallen for him that easily. His looks, his character, his family attracts to me. Maybe I have been deprived of love for too long. Maybe I just need someone to be there for me. All those maybe.

Maybe I should just wait. I want to wait. I hope to wait. He told me not to. This time, it is going to take some time before I can really get over him. The heart is put in, the hope is put in. STUPID ME!!!