Nervous about work

Suppose to start a new job but keep delaying. I know it is really bad. I don know what to say. Not trying to tale advantage of the company but... I hate myself. Hate my anxiety disorder. Hate my life and fate.

Would I be able to reveal my truth self to everyone? What is my truth self? My weak and bad nature? My selfish ways? I think I am actually a very inferior person inside me. A very insecure person as well. Always wanting others to confirm my actions and also my life. Y can't I live for myself. Y can't I be who I really want to be. Strong, clear, able to do what is on my mind?

Someone that I love the most I would never be with. Someone who really loves me can't give me what I want in life. What should I do? I feel very inferior about relationships. I always believe in fighting for my own happiness but I have failed time and again. I am a divorcee, my appearance look like I fool around. It is hard for ppl to know the real me. I am not pretty, neither attractive in any way. I want to be contended with what I have. The type of guy I am with but I feel he can not give me the happiness that I want. He is too similar to me, the weak me. I need a strong person to be able to help me and lead me. I have been trying. Learning to do what he likes, trying to be the type of girl that he likes. I am tired. Those guys with character that I like will never like me. Cos I am too weak. They would want someone strong. So I am dead both ways. Either I be with someone that I will never be contended with the rest of m life and live in regret. Or I stay single for life cos I cant find a guy with character I love and he will also love me.

I don't know what to do. I just want to focus on my work for now but can I? I have been really very tired and down. My character suck...