Miserable

Miserable. Feeling very miserable and down. Just want to write it down.. Feel like bursting out crying.. Can I run away?

Do I really need someone?

What does God have in store for me? This is what I have been praying about. I have my wants, my needs but I am not sure whether those wants are logical. Whether those wants are really what I want. I have been attacked very greatly recently. Actually when I said I am going back to God. Going to church, cellgroup, etc I know that all these attacks is going to come. But.... easiler said then done.

I should focus on B, then things would not be in such a mess. Right? At least I know he is a gentlemen that wouldn touch me. At least he is clear about what he wants. I don't know. I really don't. B is not a Christian. That's the BIG BIG block I have in my way. And then there is J. I want J. I want to be the one in his life helping him along. I want to be the hand assisting him. Actually since long long time ago when I met him, I have wanted to be his friend helping him always. But things have been stopping me. Now, I am scared. I don't know whether all these thoughts is in the way of the Lord. I should be patient and wait for God's direction. Yes I should. Helen, please be more patient and WAIT!!!

Relief

I am so relief now. Things haven finally settled down. More or less. Alf finally manage to put me down in his heart. So good, no worries about him being jealous or what now. He even give his blessings to me and B. Well... he finally got the whole picture about B. He even sort of like respect B and wants to get to know B. Good for me. Now just waiting for B to accept me maybe.

Well.. temptations are scary. But I guess I learn something from it again. I cried my eyes out yesterday... well not cos of B or maybe not cos of Alf. I let my guards down and my emotions get better of me. From now on, I am going to be the strong Helen and get to know B better and better. Hopefully, maybe I will find the right one in time to come.

Bad headache today, somemore B is not around. No kaki, haha.. Should I just take time off to rest? but meeting lay.. sigh. I need a rest and a short break. Too many things happen recently. Too many things had bothered me. Yes, I need to destress myself. Hehe..

I know I need God. I have been trying to ask Him for directions and guidance recently. Conflict inside me too. Well.. I will just walk and c how.

Bored bored.. any friends want to go out esp for a movie, pls call me.. ;p

Strange Alf

Alf has been acting very strangely recently. I guess he is feeling jealous and what so ever. That day, he asked me to go down to smoke in front of him, he wants to c whether he still feel anything when I smoke. Apparently, he is feeling quite ok with it liao. So maybe he does not love me anymore.. Ok, maybe it's for the better.

As for me, I am getting to know B. I like his character, his way of handling things. Diff from a lot of other guys that I know. We have been spenting some time with each other. But I think no possiblility of us being a couple. Not that I am wishing for that but I do want to get to know him better and c how things go. He is someone that can cheer me up and truthly understands how I am feeling inside. Furthermore, he can access situations for me and help me think of solutions out of it.

Arrrhhh.. 9 dragon. I was not able to access it yesterday. But I met up with B nearby since both of us can't access the server. Surprise that we manage to sit from 8.30pm to about 11pm. Ok, we were talking rubbish about work, friends, 9 dragon, etc.

Alfred is always changing his mind. One moment he wants us to sleep in separate rooms, another moment, he wants me to move out. I don know what is on his mind. Feeling pretty down when I see him like that. But do I have a choice? He also mentioned that he wants a divorce. Well... I find that a bit too rush for now but do I have a choice? Anyway, I just want him to be happy and live well.. Healthy too.