Lost, stressed, upset

I keep asking myself, why am I the special one out. Why others can work without any problem, hold on a job for long but not me. What is this stupid anxiety disorder that makes me different from others. I look at others with envy. They have good careers, loving and supportive family, is confident and of good health. Me??? Everything is going in the opposite way. So many stupid medical appts, does it help? Check check and check, what is the result? I don't know.

I am sick and tired of looking for jobs. Sick and tired of going for medical appt and feeling sick, sick and tired of my stupid anxiety disorder. When can I ever be released of all these. When can I be confident, well-healthed and happy again??

Thank you God

Today another mirable happened in my life w/o me purposely asking for it. It makes me realise and remember again that God is still watching over me and with me no matters what happens.

My friend Carol send me some messages to perk up my mood and to encourage me. I thought that she has read my blog or that my hubby has contacted her. To my surprise, she said that neither has happened. She just wanted to encourage me. Her messages came when I was in a period of downess and she did not know the situation I was in. If it is not God, no one else would have been able to do the same. It is a miracle of God working in my life. It makes me wonder. Cos when I received her messages, I was thinking of only the negative things. "My husband must have called her to complain again." That's what was running in my mind when she said that she did not read my blog. I am always thinking about the negative side of things when things happen. Though I always say that God brought me through things for a reason, I often jump to bad side of conclusions before doing anything. This incident has reminded me of a lot of good things in my life that somehow or rather has gently been put right to the very back of my mind.

I need to thank God for this. I believe that somehow He has put the thought into Carol's mind to sms me in this time of needs. I thank God for Carol, she has been standing by me and reminding me always of the the good things ion life. I thank God for Alf, he has been standing by me. If anyone is tired, he is the one. I ask God to help me to be more understanding towards him cos though his attitude has not been very nice this period of time, he is really very tired and has been standing by me.

Helen.. please remember that God has let you go through all these to strengthen you and He knows that you would be able to overcome it with His help. Please do not take the people and things around you forgranted and behave like a spoiled girl always. Life don't always go the way you want it to go, with God's granted strength and wisdom, you will be able to overcome it. Don't ever "zhuan niu jiao jian" which I realise a lot of times I am doing.

Friends, this period of time is a bit hard for me. I need to walk out of this again. Please help pray for me. Please remind me that God is always there for me. Not just saying this for fun but God is really helping me with His hands.

Calling out for help

I hate myself. I hate my health and I hate the things happening around me now. I want to cry but is controlling myself cos I don't want the people around me to worry. I am scared they will all leave me too.

Today I finally admitted that it's my anxiety disorder that is causing my gastric to be bad. Maybe that's y. I have asked my dr whether can reduce med and I changed to alt days on that medication. However, I think this has caused my illness to relapes. I am feeling so bad now. Scared for no reason and is feeling unwell.

Scoldings from everyone around me is not helping at all. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to handle my emotions now. Felling so angry, upset, etc. Confused...

Stupid weather

Ever since my birthday I have been sick. Down with bad headache, flu, fever. Seen dr twice and finally Friday able to go office to work. The stupid weather has been very very hot and is killing me. Having to on the aircon everyday and stay in my room. Even Sat Alf and I also did not go out. Too hot and sick. Alf also got a bad headache.

Yesterday I went to my cousin's wedding with Alf, my parents and brother. They really rich, did full album montage and things like that. Dinner was held at Novotel Hotel Dragon restuarant or something like that. Checked from the internet that at least $700 per table. Food is ok but service is really poor. Quite happy that my own wedding was affordable and quality still good.

Came home with a headache. Didn't even on the computer. Gastric was feeling terrible also. Today cant go work again. Throat hurts like hell esp when I talk. Gastric too, plus flu haven recover. Went to Chinese physician on afternoon about 4pm. My brother drove me there and I came home by cab. Spoke to the dr about the blood in urine thingy and he told me to take care. If worsen, may become kidney failure cos my kidney did not manage to filter the blood and allowed it to pass through to my urine. Very scared. Need really to take care of myself now.

Friends, I sworn off alcohol liao.. No more alcohol for me and I really need to watch my diet. Less salt also. Health is more impt. Carol is right, treasure health like you treasure the people around you. I need my mearmear to work hard together with me. Execrise more.. pray for me my friends. Will be going SGH again to check this urine problem in Dec.

One good news to end. The psychiatrist told me that I can slowly wearne off the medicine liao. Meaning now I will take the med on alternate days, thereafter slowly stop it. I would be considered recovered and no longer have to see the psychiatrist liao.. I am praying hard that this would happen. Don't like to relay on medicine.

Ok ending now.. Everyone, please do not take your health forgranted ok. I still want to have baby one.. Hehe..

Officially 27

As of yesterday I am 27 years old le.. Time seems to fly. Thinking back to one year ago, life was much different. I treasure Alf more and I wish in future this will not change.

I had my celebration with friends on Sunday. Attendance, Hazel with Dave, Richard with Kedy, Tuang Yeow, Jenny and Tim, My mum, sis with bf and bro with gf, Caryn, Kelvin (Rich's friend) Grace and finally Jiani. We all have quite a nice time bbq at the pit below my flat. Cos it's Sunday and next day all have to work, most of them left at 10pm plus except for Grace with Jiani at 11am plus. Bad Wong did not come. I don't know what happen to my god-brother Andy. No one seem to be able to reach him. Hopefully nothing has happen to him, a few of us were quite worried.

Got quite a few gifts, the first one came from Sylvia (my manager) on Thursday. Friday she wouldn be coming to work cos on course, so she gave me mine in advance. Nice necklace... Then from Hazel and Dave two cat dolls, Rich and Kedy a spa voucher, Tuang Yeow brought along two bottles of sparkling drink, one with and the other one w/o alcohol. Jenny and Tim a necklace with earring set and Jiani with Grace OPI nail polish. Nice mum and sis gave me some cash as ang pow money for my birthday.. Hee hee, so nice of them.

You might be wondering what my mearmear gave me. He paid for all the bbq things, a cake and when we went Sentosa the next day, a dolphin bracelet and mini wind charm. I chose them myself.. I feel really happy and thankful to him. He allowed both the bbq and Sentosa trip plus he insist on getting me a present even though he has paid for both bbq and also cake. Yes, he really dote on me a lot.

At Sentosa, we bought the package choosing... Calberg tower, Luge and skyride, Butterfly park, Images of Singapore and 4D ride (add on $5 to package). He also brought me to sit the sitmulation ride (additional pricing) cos I said I wanted to experience it. See how nice is he.. :) He has been really nice to me at Sentosa, whatever asking me to choose and what I like. Really really very touched and don't know what to say. My sister got us free entry to Underwater world and Pink Dolphin Lagoon. I can tell after the dolphin lagoon that Alf was so so tired but he asked me whether I still want to go underwater world, when I said yes, he didn't even disagree. Met up with my brother at Vivocity to return my sis's card. He is suppose to come my place to pick it up but so coincidence he also went Vivo with his gf.. We have a free ride home from him. Thanks bro.

Today felt sick, terrible headache with dizzyness. Probably due to that woman thingy again. Sigh, I really don't know what to say. Cancelled my leave today but had no choice but to take MC. People must be thinking bad things about me liao. What choice do I have?

Again, I thank and love you mearmear...