Dark dark world

Sigh, this world is really very dark. Everyone for themselves. I have known it all along but would not expect to see this bad thing happening in my ex-office. Y ex? Cos yesterday was last day of contract or should I say today. But not working cos Sat mah. Sometimes, it is really hard to see whose the trusted one around you. Or maybe you can only trust yourself. Arrows shooting everywhere. Kindda dangerous. You may die without knowing why.

Yesterday night colleagues and I went Marche to eat cos company giving is a farewell dinner treat. Ray, Ena, Victor, Jane, Hazel, Siti, Dewi and I went. We arranged to wear white and jeans.. So coordinated. Hehe.. My first time wearing jeans to this office to work though. Had quite a good meal. Gift from Jane to everyone leaving and so we (Siti, Dewi, Shaf and me) bought a gift for her. I guess she really likes it.. Hehe... Can you imagine that we were stuck in teh multi-storey carpark for 30mins when leaving Vivo? Every car wants to go out and Ray's car was at the 4th floor, so wait wait and wait. Poor Ray was rushing for his midnight show and so so upset. I took Ray's ride home. Poor Jane and Victor was worst, Jane's hubby parked at 5th floor and they were stuck for more then 45mins. Victor grumbled that he felt so weird in the car. I guess if it's me I would have felt the same way. Susprisingly no one cried yesterday. I was afraid that I would cry too cos I am really sad that project ending and I have to leav emy colleagues. We were all like a big big family. Plus, the few of us saw the project starting and building up slowly. So upset that it has now got to end. We really build good friendship cos us all need to work closely together. Everyone, keep in touch ok. Don't loose the friendship that we have gained this 8 months.

Today hubby brought me to Ang Mo Kio Hub walk walk. Chey, such a little mall with little things. He bought me a bag and 2GB memory card for my handphone. Hehe, I can store my songs in liao. Now he is out with his colleagues for dinner, me alone at home with naughty Rex. He allowed me to order mac so waiting for it to arrive lor. Today 1 hr delivery, so rare. Hungry...

Happy Anniversary!!

Yesterday was my 7th year anniversary. Mear brought me to 115 restuarant to eat. So nice..

Mear say Sat bringing me out again. Horray.. Hopefully I can have enough cash to buy gift for him.. So broke this month.

I wish that mear and me can last forever till the end of our time.

Holiday

Mear mear is at work today and I am bored at home. No going out and no mear at home..

Our 7 years anniversary is coming. I wonder whether mear can bring me on holiday. Mear, plsssssssssss... Treat it as an anniversary gift for me lah. I really really really hope for a holiday. Apply leave and go with me pls.

Something I saw from Friendster

Did you no that every nightb4 u go to sleep there is 1 person of the opposite sex thinking of you. they want 2 kiss u, they want 2 b with u,they r always thinking about u, this is all true and not fake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
advice....
WHEN SHE ACTS SHY-SAY I LOVE YOU
WHEN SHE RUNS AWAY FROM YOU- CHASE HER
WHEN SHE PUTS HER FACE NEAR YOURS- KISS HER
WHEN SHE KICKS & PUNCHES- HOLD HER TIGHT
WHEN SHE IS SILENT- SHE'S THINKIN OF HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU
WHEN SHE IS SCREAMING STOP STOP-DON'T.
WHEN YOU HUG HER-HUG HER SOFTLY
WHEN SHE IGNORES YOU- SHE WANTS ALL YOUR ATTENTION!
WHEN SHE PULLS AWAY- GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND NEVER LET GO
WHEN SHE FEELS SICK-COMFORT HER!
WHEN SHE WALKS TOWARD YOU-DON'T JUST HUG HER PAY ATTENTION TO HER!WHEN YOU SEE HER AT HER WORST- TELL HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
*WHEN SHE SCREAMS AT YOU- TELL HER YOU LOVE HER BUT MEAN IT
WHEN YOU SEE HER WALKING-SNEAK UP BEHIND HER GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND GIVE HER A KISS
WHEN SHE'S SCARED!!!!!!!!!-HOLD HER AND TELL HER EVERYTHING WILL BE OK CAUSE SHE'S WITH YOU
WHEN SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHINGS THE MATTER- KISS HER AND TELL HER NOT TO WORRY
WHILE SHE HOLDS YOUR HANDS- PLAY WITH HER FINGERS

Finally

Yesterday night was the worst night of my life so far. I talked to Alf about us and I cried. After that, both of us could not sleep the whole night. This morning Alf jia let lor, so tired but gotta go work. For me, I took MC cos afternoon going to c Dr Ng anyway.

But this morning, Alf finally told me that he has decided to get back together with me. I am so so delighted. He call me when he at work and told me that tonight we will put back our rings. He also sms that he love me.. Finally the day that I hope, wish and pray for is here. I will treasure this marriage so so much liao.

Went to an agency for interview afternoon, after client know that I have anxiety disorder, they do not want to see me le. I am so upset. When I went to see dr, he told me no need to declare. He even can cut down my medication. Yippy!! Longing for the day I can get off all anxiety medicine.

Today must be the happiest day I have ;p. I pray to God to give me the job that I can take. Helen be patient ok. Actually I thinking of having a little break. Hope Alf can go holiday with me. Want the break so so much. Too uptight all these months liao.

Sorry Wong

I still feel very sorry towards Wong though that was yesterday. I did not go to work cos headache and though Wong is on leave, I asked him to come back. He was quite upset in the morning but I don't know whether he is still angry now. Once again, sorry and thanks.

Today got the news that I have to look for a new job cos contract ends June and no more recruiters needed in project branch. Can't help but feel a bit upset. I am worried that my anxiety will relapes in the new job. I should not worry so much cos the more I worry, the more it might happen. Helen... pray and be strong.

Really very tired of changing jobs. I really hope for a company that gives me the chance to prove myself and I can stay long term. Hopefully for another 10 years or so. Would that chance come along. I can do it de, company just need to give me a chance.

After my last blog, some friends asked me whether my anxiety is relaping now that's why I blog about it. The answer is no. I just feel like writing what I have gone through and to thank the respective friends and kins.

After all these, I realise that the one I love most is Alf. Not keong, not anyone else. We have went through so much together and he has done so much for me. No one could ever replace him in my heart and similarly, the times that we went through. No matter whether he accept me back or not.

Anxiety Disorder

Hi everyone,

Today suddenly feel like blogging about this stupid illness that I have. Anxiety disorder, mine is basically work related.

It first started in year 2002 when I was working for JJ. I was all alone in the office. Work load is not a lot. I had worked there for about 6 months, suddenly I was afraid to go to work. At home, I keep telling my hubby that I didn't want to go work cos I was scared. No reason to be scared actually but I just cannot figure out why. This went on for some days, my mum brought me to see a general doctor but that did not help. Then, I went to a polyclinic and got a referral to see a psychiatrist (Doctor) at SGH. It is there that I met with Dr Ng. I felt very comfortable talking to him, so I continued under his care even when there are times his consulation is at IMH or other places.

I still remember he started me on a non-standard drug that was quite expensive cos the others were quite useless for me. He is a very nice man and there were times when I was broke and he gave me his trial pack instead. I also saw a psychologist (under common terms is medical counseller) Esther. She was also very nice and often talk to me about my problems and helping me face up to the truth about everything. Often I realise that I had answers inside me, it's whether I want to act on them or not.

I left JJ mainly cause of this disorder. Even when I tried to go back a few days to help out I couldn't really face up to my fear. After JJ and also some time of rest, I went on to another job WongS. I was happy that I was able to overcome everything and work there. However, Dr Ng changed my medicine somewhere November 2003 as I wasn't really able to manage with the $1 per medicine. During the change in medicine, I couldn't really get used to it and it kind of relapes. So again, I felt scared to go work. I also didn't really like the job there so I left. I went on to a lot of part time and temp jobs trying to overcome my illness. This went on for about 2 years.

All these time, my dearest Alf have been the one beside me supporting me. There are times when he got really stressed up by me and we quarrelled but he has always cared and made a lot of sacrifies for me. I really want to thank all my friends. Especially Alf, my parents for supporting me all through this time. No matter is financially or mentally. God is good and He walked me through all these. Even when at times like that when I wasn't working full time, Alf and me could afford to work towards our Chinese customary wedding that was held in Oct 2005. I had a really happy and blessed wedding dinner that night. That is the happiest day of my life.

Finally in July 2005, I was able to get to work full time and from then on, things have been quite good. The first few years Alf and me really had to work real hard to overcome this disorder. Finally end year 2006 in my current job, Ben (my ex-manager) gave me the chance to prove myself. I am also very grateful to him for giving me this chance. I finally found back the old working, confident Helen. I begin to learn how to balance work and recreation. Not have too high expectations of myself and work myself too hard.

Now the contract should be ending soon, I still hope to stay at GMP that has gave me the chance to build back my confidence. However, I believe in God's arrangement. Helen will be able to stay strong and work towards my goal in life.

I want to take this blog to say a few things to a few people:

Alf - I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. We have walked through all the ups and down in life. I regret and apologise for making the stupid decision Feb this year. I know things will never be the same again but I sincerely hope that we will have the chance to go through all things for the rest of our life. From the bottom of my heart, I still love you Mear mear. Much much more then before.

My parents - Though they may not read my blog I just want to say thanks. They have been worrying about me all through these times. I hope I will be able to help take care of you two till the end of your time.

My bro and sis - My bro have always said encouraging words to me. He may think it does not help much but it does. Thanks for all the drives home too. My sis is a very "mouth sharp heart soft" person. She may not be saying all the nice things but that time when you told me you used to admire me when I was doing my part-time studies and working full time I reallly felt very touched and encouraged. I hope to be the sister that you two have admired before.

My friends - Thanks for all the encouragement and talks. Carol, sorry for always calling you and crying about my things. You must have felt really very sian then. You have been there when I need you the most. Thanks.

Finally God - No words can express what I want to say to You. You have brought all the above people into my life and let me go through things to make me a stronger person. I know that all You have done is for my own good and nothing, nothing at all will you give me should you know I am not able to take it.

To all reading my blog. If you have also some type of mental disorder, do not give up. You will overcome it in time. Give yourself the faith and confident, I know saying is easy but doing is hard. I have been through it too. Look to the further don't look back and wish that you are what you are then.
To those that are friends or family with people with mental disorder or some illness. They really need your encouragement a lot. You may not know or realise but every little thing that you say or affects them a lot. You mean the whole to them now.
To all other people. Don't look down on anyone with mental problem. They are not all crazy. Most of them would not come after you with a chopper. Don't you have times in life that you need others care and concern? I believe a lot of people have some kind of mental stress or another. It is just whether it is serious enough to see a doctor or not. So please be more patient to them.

Well.. I still have to go back and see Dr Ng for medication but he has been giving me the minimum dose. From the starting 3 times a day and 3-4 medication to now only once a day and only 2 medication, is already a difference. I hope to be able to reduce it to no more one day. :p

Y woman got so many problem

Arhh... pain pain pain.. Anyway of stopping this pain. Somemore making my head spin. Must we encounter this every month? Anyway we can relieve this stupid pain?

Somemore have to work. It's killing me... Helppppppppp

Yesterday

Clubbing yesterday night with colleagues (Dewi & hubby, Siti & hubby, Ena and financee and their friends). Suppose to meet them at City Hall at 10pm but then till 11pm still haven come. Sigh.. very sian, wanted to jus go dragonfly meet Hazel. But thinking that I seldom have chance to go out with colleagues so waited lor. Finally we went inside DXO at about 11.30pm. School Out Night at DXO, so a lot of secondary school students. Some wearing uniform somemore. Sian... Seeing them is like seeing myself when I first come out club. So lian/beng. We keep joking that if they dare to challenge us or what we ask them which school they from and name then complain to principal. Wonder how come their parents will allow them to come out so late. Siti say maybe lie camping, school assignment or what. I think maybe they say movie lor. They go also only can drink coke, what fun is there. Might as well go tea dance and not crowd our dance floor. Hehe, bad erh me.

Then went over to O Bar about 1am+. Real crowded, waited a long time before able to get in. Too many people inside liao lah. Ena and financee went back cos he had to work today. When finally able to go inside, the music quite nice though R & B. Very funny, met my cousin there. Didn't know he working there. When going toliet Siti told me got one guy call me but I thought she joking. But anyway, when we left at 4am, he came to talk to me then I know really my cousin. Working boundser there. Good, next time want go can find him. Maybe can get free entry and cut queue hor.

Wondering whether I got hooked up? Yes one guy did approach me but he 24 years old only. I not interested lah. Seems to Siti & Dewi that the guy really very interested in me. I don't care. Hehe...

Hmm.. overall quite fun but I guess I am getting not used to these places liao. When in O bar already started having headache. Didn't really drink much, don't know y headache also. Except for that stupid small sms "quarrel" with Alf, overall quite nice lor.

Stressed, upset, headache

Why can't people be more responsible? I know I myself is not so much but for work, I always try to make myself contactable even when I am on leave or mc. How can just because no pay increment go relax at work and hack care even the duty phone that is suppose to be on 24 hours.

Then can clients be more co-operative? Give us trouble and then when we have not enough candidates or have trouble they pick up such a big fuss. I am really pissed off. Busy is a stupid excuse. It doesn't take up much of your time just telling us who you want to choose.

I know all these are small things but I am really very very stressed up today. Bad mood, upset, headache. Maybe cos that stupid time of the month coming bah. I very irritable today.. Sigh..

I want a holiday!!!

Pissed

Today have to wake up eariler then normal. Abit upset lor. Cos 2nd interview with candidates at 8am and they seeing client at 9am. Then hor, the ops late lor and don have key. I didn't know. I thought I asked them yesterday liao.. nevermind.. No choice somemore poor candidates have to wait outside for me. Wonder if anyone of them just left...

Yesterday night watched Incredible Tales on channel 5. So glad it came back. But hor, reach ending the man's died body a bit scary lor. I was feeling scared cos alone at home. Lucky got Rex for me to hug.

Tomorrow night should be going out with my colleagues. DXO and maybe O Bar. See how bah.

I miss all my friends so much. I have always remembered all the good times that we have together. Long to go back to those days where the group was so big, so fun, not much cares and worries. The past will always seem better, B told me. Cos it is past mah.. Agree..

Chances of meeting my friends are getting lesser and lesser. Everyone is busy and I can't make extra time also. So many things in the way.

I wish so much to go on holiday. Relax..

Project ending soon. I may be out of job again. If only I can take this time to go overseas. I really really want to do so. Esp with my love one. Alf doesn't like going overseas..

Helen is a very sad and have nothing girl...

Realisation

In life everyone will always be teaching and telling you things but what your interperation may be different. Same words, different meaning to different person. A simple advise for someone to be more careful about money and not be so naive may change that person into someone real materalistic and values money over friendship or kinship. So should we all just shut our mouth and not say anything about everything?

Some things in life we have already done and can never revert back. But do we have to be punished by it for life? The price is a bit to high to pay. Losing your most loved one.

Why can't all men just stand up and admit their wrongs? Is facing the truth so hard. You have done what you have done. Be like a man, face up to your wrongs. There's nothing that you cannot face if you have already done it.

I have hurt someone deeply. Someone I love and loves me a lot. This is torturing him and I don't like it at all. Should I leave and let both of us start everything afresh on our own? I only want him to be happy and not in such a state. Is there anything I can do? I am willing to do anything just to have him happy. Even if it means losing him. Cos it hurts me to see him like that. It hurts even more then him leaving me. I still love him, a lot, a lot. No one would be ever able to replace him anymore.

I want to thank those friends standing by me all these while. Without you all, I might not have the faith and courage to admit that I was wrong and to go and seek forgiveness. I know there are a lot of ppl out there that cares for me. I deeply want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I love you all as my friends as well. Especially to you that has been caring for me so so much. You don't know how much you mean to me. You chose to be with me through all those times and not abandon me. You did not despise me but only told me things so that others would not be able to hurt me any further. Thanks!!