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Nervous about work

2009-08-26T20:56:00.000+08:00

Suppose to start a new job but keep delaying. I know it is really bad. I don know what to say. Not trying to tale advantage of the company but... I hate myself. Hate my anxiety disorder. Hate my life and fate.

Would I be able to reveal my truth self to everyone? What is my truth self? My weak and bad nature? My selfish ways? I think I am actually a very inferior person inside me. A very insecure person as well. Always wanting others to confirm my actions and also my life. Y can't I live for myself. Y can't I be who I really want to be. Strong, clear, able to do what is on my mind?

Someone that I love the most I would never be with. Someone who really loves me can't give me what I want in life. What should I do? I feel very inferior about relationships. I always believe in fighting for my own happiness but I have failed time and again. I am a divorcee, my appearance look like I fool around. It is hard for ppl to know the real me. I am not pretty, neither attractive in any way. I want to be contended with what I have. The type of guy I am with but I feel he can not give me the happiness that I want. He is too similar to me, the weak me. I need a strong person to be able to help me and lead me. I have been trying. Learning to do what he likes, trying to be the type of girl that he likes. I am tired. Those guys with character that I like will never like me. Cos I am too weak. They would want someone strong. So I am dead both ways. Either I be with someone that I will never be contended with the rest of m life and live in regret. Or I stay single for life cos I cant find a guy with character I love and he will also love me.

I don't know what to do. I just want to focus on my work for now but can I? I have been really very tired and down. My character suck...

Why is my life so tough

2009-04-27T17:22:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling down. Sat and Sun went chalet. Supposed to be a very happy occasion but more and more facts I have to face and then I wish I can put him down but I can't yet. I am making myself and my bf unhappy. My heart hurts, how can anyone put down someone so fast? Only 6 months only, if really so fast can only means that I did not really love him at all.

Today my exec spoke with me again. They are confirmed not going to renew my contract. My last day of service would be 7 May. My God, I have not found a job and so fast my contract is ending. I am going to be jobless soon. Who will support me? Who will give me a job that I love as much as this one.

Early this year, I went to fortune teller and he claims my life is going upwards. He claims career and everything is very good. Only have to watch my spenting and health. But what type of this upwards am I encounting now. Nothing but the sadness and badness of life.

Sad sad tweet

2009-04-09T15:07:00.002+08:00

The last blog was full of nice things and beautiful memories. Now everything is going downhill and my mood is in the dumps. Recently my dear (don't know still can call that or not) and I have been having problems. We have talked and still stayed together. Just that Tuesday I spoke to him again. Now he is saying things like we dragged very long le. Just when I want to work things out he started saying this type of things. He give me the feeling of good times can be together but bad times and stress times he want to run away. Then can this type of guy become someone's husband. I don't know. He seems to be always using excuses like I am me, can't change or I have not enough time for you to escape from the problems. I dislike it but I love him. I want things to work out!!

Somemore Monday my executive just told me that my contract with current company will not be renewed. I gotta start looking for a job le. I am so depressed. I love my work here..

Want to find ppl to accompany me cos I am down but can't find. Pls take a knife and kill me!

Happy Lunar New Year!!

2009-01-28T20:18:00.002+08:00

Ok.. time for update since so long never blog le.

Christmas eve was spent at his place. Then Christmas day went Bintan with Jolyn, Mychal and my dear. Bintan really improved a lot with a lot more facilities. I have a great time there and massage was good too. Check out my facebook or friendster for pics. Yah, we went for the fireflies night tour. So many of them flying all around me. I even got to catch them and some stayed on my hand. So nice. Like Christmas lights on a tree. But hor, after I came back I had allergy reaction and all over body itching like hell. Needless to say MC lor.

Then New Year's eve, we went with Eric to the countdown at Marina South. Yah, paid for the tickets to go in. Love the fireworks a lot. Very beautiful like falling on me. Even nicer then those I saw at National Stadium some years ago.

I was looking forward to a new bed at my dear's place as the old one is a super single and too small for the two of us. Finally later of the month his dad agreed to a new double bed. Though w/o frame sleep is better for us.

Early Jan we decided to break the news that I am a divorcee to his parents. I was thinking what their reaction will be and also what would my dear do if objections come. In the end, though i heard from not so nice comments from my dear, his parents is ok with it. However, his dad started discussing with me regarding ROM and marriage. Hmm... it came a bit fast for me but I was ok with it. So yah, end year ROM and two years later then customary.

Hell came after agreeing to everything his dad says as I realised that he wanted a hand in everything. Wanted to take a look at the bed we want to choose, wanted his own ways when it come to our ROM, wedding and even house matters. In my mind I was thinking, is this my marriage or his? I still have not resolve this issue as his dad have been sick for the last few days, moreover it is CNY and I do not want to spoil the good mood.

17 Jan my dear and me came across a very nice ring at Plaza Sing Lee Hwa. He initially wanted to get it as a proposal ring secretly and give me a surprise, but after stepping out of the shop, he saw me looking so sad and me decided to bring me back and bought on the spot. The ring came eve CNY.

On the first day of CNY 26 Jan, we played mahjong at his place with Jolyn, Eric, Mychal and my dear. At the end of the session, that was about 3am on 27 Jan, my dear proposed to me at the door of his house. I can see tears in his eyes. Although it is not a romantic place and he did not say his words properly, I saw his sincerity and felt very touched. I already feel as if I am the most blissful woman in the world. Yah, u guess right, I accepted the ring. So now, it is on my fingers le lor.

Seems like ups and downs will never escape from our lives. I have to "see the faces" of my relatives, my parent's feelings, his dad's involvement in everything and all these is getting a bit on my nerves. I can't seem to really smile from deep inside my heart. I hope to run away from all these with my dear but I know it is not possible de. Hehe... So now, I just hope that my dear will stay with me and stand with me no matter what happens. So long I know that he loves and dotes on me deeply all these will be worth it :)

Updates

2008-12-23T10:56:00.003+08:00

Haha, no time to update blog lor. Been really bzi cos my dear company shutdown mah. So he has a lot of time for me.

Hmm.. Talking about the HP off Sat. Ai yah, my dear did not do it lor. He still sms his friends to confirm Sunday things. Sian. Nvm lah, he is like that de.

Christmas is just round the corner. Wondering what I have got so far? My dear gave me 4 pressies liao.. Rollerblade, Adidas shoe, Jigsaw puzzle and levis jeans. Haha, poor him spent so much on me. As for me, only got him Adidas shoe and couples' tee.

Hmm.. this month overspent so much. Bought so many pressies for colleagues and friends. Don know how many pressies I will get lor. But for sure I know, my two best female buddies will sure get me something I like de.

Looking forward to my Bintan trip 25-27 Dec. Two couples going woh, sure a lot of time for TMM one and I really hope that will happen since Bintan nothing much to play.

Ok, end now. Merry Christmas everyone!

Oh ya, I opened two sprees. Victoria Secret and Cleocat. Be sure to join k!

Need some time just you and me

2008-11-24T15:52:00.004+08:00

Wow, one week never update blog again. Sure a lot of things happen one right? Can't really remember a lot. Only that I do feel more and more blissful.

Yesterday me and my dear went rollerblading with Eric in the afternoon. It's not my first time but the first time I tried I was not even able to stand up. Yest end of session, at least I can take baby steps on my rented blades le. After less then 30mins on my skates the sky began play a joke with me and it rained cats and dogs. My dear held on to Eric's umbrella taking baby steps with me. Haha.. funny right? He can like Eric quickly skate to the nearest shelter but he chose to stay in the rain with me. Sweet right? Even when I was learning he refused to go with Eric cos he want to stay there with me. For once I really felt that I am very very fortunate to have someone who really loves me so much. I used to chat with my friends and we discussed that if a boyfriend really used to something and bring a gf along to do it (eg: bf loves jogging and can jog very fast), the gf unable to catch up. The guy would normally feel very frustrated. Or if the girl is to go out with the guy and make a fuss about something he guy will feel very embrassed. But my dear has shown me that how I feel is more impt then what he likes to do and also whether he is embrassed about it at all. I don't know whether you understand what I am talking about above but I had never believe that I would be able to find someone that treats me the same way as Chris used to. Thinking back, I discovered that Chris used to treat me very well as well but I did not know how to appreciate. Now cos appreciation is always on my mind, I began to know that my bf now really loves me so much that himself is no longer that impt anymore. I feel very very touched and blissful. I was thinking yest whether it is he really does love me a lot or it's just his personality. My conclusion, I think cos he really loves me a lot.

It's hard for me to believe that someone would actually put me before himself. Cares about my feelings and stand on my point of view more then his own. But I have seen it with my own eyes and felt it with my own heart. I tell myself, I must treasure my dear more. Treat him better and hope to be the best gf I can be for him.

Yah.. Dear I learn baby steps roller blading le, I can have my own pair of roller blade le hor??

Today I feel very very stressed and bored down. I want some time for myself and some time with my dear alone. Always when we are together, friends would bother us by asking us out or calling us. So far, there is no one day that it's just him and me. I want this day cos I am really suffocating now caring too much about others and others problems but not thinking about my own things. My dear and me are the same type, our friends are always very impt to us de. So we will always do a lot for friends and be there whenever they wish us to be. But maybe, just maybe recently I have been caring about too many people's things at one time that I feel very stressed. I feel like I have no time for myself. Maybe, just maybe one day this week I will suddenly disappear for one day. No one will be able to contact me. Just off my phone and be alone or with my dear only. I told him about this and he says that he would be able to do it. I know it's for my sake. So friends, if one day you are not able to reach any one of us for one whole day, please don freak out. We just need some time for just the both of us...

Cried

2008-11-12T10:21:00.003+08:00

I cried a few times last night. Helen always try to act strong and smiley face in front of everyone but deep inside her, if she is sad, she will try to hide one corner and cry. I am being hurt, yes. Maybe I am over reacting the whole situation but it is only one month and he is already taking me forgranted and treating me in a more non-chalant attitude as compared to when we first got together. What will happen in future? Things may get worse.

I am seriously considering to take a break from this relationship. I am weak and not strong. I am really afraid of being hurt. I don't want to put my all in and then in the end get nothing or little back. Should I do it? I don't know. I really love him, I do but....SIGH

Hmm... give and take? Taking me forgranted le

2008-11-10T11:59:00.002+08:00

Ok, I know this is the same day post but two diff feelings I have got and I really feel like saying it out. Sun night I felt a change in his attitude towards me. Is it that once a guy knows that you really love him and he has got your heart he will stop treating you nice anymore? I feel sad. Really sad that when I want to commit I get that type of attitude. Did I make the wrong choice? Should I change my choice?

4 surprises

2008-11-10T11:48:00.005+08:00

My dear planned 4 surprises for me on Sat 8/11. Actually is 3 lah but taiko the 1st one appear.

1st one I think not very good for me to say here cos it's a bit confi thing.

2nd one he ordered a bouquet of 3 pink roses and asked me to wait at the bus interchange. He appeared with the roses behind his back. Old fashion trick right? But enough to make me smile.

3rd he brought me to a restaurant, Relish, at Cluny. Very nice and relax place. The burger and pasta there nice as well. Plus a strawberry milk shake for myself. Hee.. so indulge.

4th... Singapore Flyer. He booked the tic for 9.30pm de. I like the view from the top. Very nice. Although I am scared of heights he hugged me and made me feel a lot better.

He very sweet lor. All the things above he knows I like so he planned everything. Actually I am a very easily contended girl. After I saw the roses I already cannot stop smiling le. I feel very very blissed cos of his effort. I can't really remember the last time I received one flower not to say a bouquet of it. I really feel very touched by his effort.

Sunday morning breakfast with his "almost" whole family. Very nice gathering. They seem to like me and they really made me feel at ease and part of the family. I am very happy.

I guess after that day I can really be sure I want to put in to this relationship le. He makes me feel very good cos he loves me a lot. I know that and I think I am beginning to appreciate it a lot more and give in too. I see a change in my attitude towards him. I guess I am beginning to let myself go fully le.

New ring on my finger

2008-11-04T22:47:00.003+08:00

My dear bought us a pair of couple ring on Sunday. Very nice and I love it a lot. I am actually quite surprise I can accept another ring from someone else so fast cos rings means a lot to me. After posting in facebook, so many people comment that they are happy for me. My dear really treats me very well and I will appreciate and hold on to him cos of that. I guess no one will be able to treat me like what Chrison did in the past but this is good enough. Same as what I say before, no point saying who loves who more cos it does not matter anymore.

I am listening to some songs now and thought about some past. 有一种爱叫做放手 is the song I am referring to. I guess everyone should learn to let go when the time comes. Again, let go of him, let go of yourself. Loving him means seeing him happy. My friends will know who I am referring to cos I believe he will be the guy I love the most in my life but will not be the one to spent the rest of my life with me. May not be the guy most impt to me in future too.

I am looking forward to Sat, my dear has planned some surprises for me. Any friend knows got any romantic place for dinner near ngee ann poly. Cos this is the only hint he gave me and I am trying to guess. Maybe I shouldn't be curiousity kills a cat. Haha...

Dear, still love you and loving more as each day pass. Rermember always to appreciate each other :p

Nice Batam trip but sad today

2008-10-29T21:11:00.003+08:00

Batam trip on Sunday has been nice. I got to spent nice quality time with my 4 friends and my dear. At the trip, he really made me feel very blissful and happy. I really should appreciate and care for him more. Sometimes love is so funny, or maybe I am funny cos I am always in love those guys that treat me very badly. Time to change this fact. I do hope I can find someone that I love and really loves me a lot. I hope to be able to be his and only his, like what I felt initially in my ex-marriage and also my last relastionship.

I have some Batam pics in my face book, so friends welcome to go view. Though we did not really get to play the sea sports, it has been fun. After reaching Batam on Sunday afternoon, we rested a while and went shopping for like 3 hours. Was a bit of rush cos we went 2 malls. Came back was already late. So it was dinnertime and then mahjong. One poor friend is used to sleeping early but we were playing mahjong in his room and he was unable to sleep. Apologises to you :) 2nd day morning woke up for swimming, then breakfast then some card games, tv time, checkout then went spa. So shiok! Cheap and good. Will definately go back for more spa in future. My two best lady friends shared the spa package, me and my dear shared another one and lastly the other two guys shared one. So funny lor, but enjoyable lah. I think my dear a bit not used to massage and spa so he a bit ackward but overall I guess he enjoyed himself too. Oh ya, in total I bought two caps (one adidas and another polo ralph), one pair of shoe plus a lot of titbits. Haha... of course la. Bought for my family, Chris and also my colleagues.

Come back and two of my friends got sick. Not only that, my best best gal friend fall out with me. I did something to really hurt her this time. I am really very sorry but I guess nothing I do or say can help now. Really very upset about this lor, cos it's really my fault. Somemore at work I really very stressed. Too many work to do but no mood. So my mood these two days haven been really good. Esp today cos I thought about a lot of things and really wanted to burst out crying le. So depressed. My dear was sweet enough to come have lunch with me today before he went for work. I was of course happy la. Evening time he also spared me some time over the phone to cheer me up. Very nice guy hor.

Ok, end here le. Cannot let my parents see my sad face or they will worry. :) Smile Tweet, happy or not, each day will pass. So y not be happy.

My boyfriend

2008-10-22T20:33:00.003+08:00

Hi everyone,

Yah this time I have good news. I have got a boyfriend. He loves me and treat me very nicely. This time I chose someone who loves me. He has really been trying hard to dote on me more and spent more time with me and I appreciate that fact. Maybe by and by he will make me love him more and more. I am very grateful that he does not mind my past. I feel that I am blissful now with his care, concern and love. I guess except from Chris, no other guys have treated me this way. Like a princess.. Hee.. But he always say he wouldn spoil me la.

I have been sick since Sunday night. Suddenly fever. Monday afternoon half day I went home. My dear initially wanted to come and have lunch with me but in the end had lunch and send me home. Yesterday went work but could not tong, so went A & E see dr then came back home. Dr say viral fever, hard to recover de. All these 3 days, my dear have been accompanying me before he go work. He works in afternoon shift so can only spare me the time before 2pm. I want to thank him, I know he is tired but he still come and buy lunch for me, plus accompany me cos I am sick. Such a sweet bf right?

I have to learn to treasure him more. Though I always say he does not seem to be the type of guy that I will love, he has touched me with his actions. I see effort, I appreciate and I accept.

It's hard to fully let go of my past. I still hurt but my dear has made life a lot easiler and happier for me. Thank you dear.

Finally, I hope Sunday will come faster cos our group of 6 is going to Batam together. Looking forward to spa and sea sports. Very long never go oversea holiday liao, though this time only 1 day still better then nothing.

Ok, end here. Thanks dear and I love you :p

无条件为你

2008-10-09T20:19:00.002+08:00

I love this song now..

爱你等于拥有一片天空
任何风吹草动
都有你存在其中
自然而然的轻松

一路到夏天的尾声
无所谓到过于激动
我们有笑容我们曾心动
不再是无动于衷

无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问
有一天坏的可能

无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂如此沸腾
为我爱的人

喜欢复杂还是习惯单纯
我愿尽力完成
你在我心中几分
难以形容的责任

一路到夏天的尾声
无所谓到过于激动
我们有笑容我们曾心动
不再是无动于衷

无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问
有一天坏的可能

无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂如此沸腾
为我爱的人

爱一个人
付出才会完整
无条件越爱就越深
永远不分啊

无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问
有一天坏的可能

无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂
如此沸腾为我爱的人

Would there be another perfect?

2008-10-07T23:31:00.003+08:00

I was discussing with my colleagues this afternoon during lunch about sticky boyfriends and husbands. All these make me think over my marriage with Chris and my relationship with my ex. I think I would want a boyfriend or husband that is neither too sticky nor too independent. I had found one but he does not belong to me now. He needs to have his own space so both of us can go out with our own friends and have our own freedom but at the same time we both want each other and will be around when the other party need each other. The more I think about this, the more certain I feel that this relationship and guy is perfect. Yes, I still am down. Who would not be if someone you are deeply in love with has found a girlfriend that he loves and would not be with you anymore.

When would I be able to find another perfect guy that I think is??

I am thinking of going for further studies. Considering between PSB and SHRI. Hopes to be able to get into Advance Dip in Human Resource. I am doing this for my future as well as hopefully to occupy myself more. Sigh.. money is the biggest problem. C how bah.

Fortune teller

2008-10-02T14:07:00.003+08:00

I went to a fortune teller yesterday. He told me a lot of things. Most imptly is to take control of my emotions and money spenting. My time from now (28 years old) till I think about 35 (can't really recall) my luck is changing. I will become firmer and stronger from here on. I will be able to meet someone at about 31 years old.

I really hope to follow and then all the good things will happen to me. I am trying to let go of my past. I should start afresh (esp in love) like what he says.

My dad also told me almost the same things. For those that don't know my family well... my dad is a very strict buddhist. He has a mentor and is now a master. So in other words he also has some powers. He can see some things in me and he encourage me in the same way that the fortune teller said.

Everyone out there, please help me along. I want to be strong. I want a good, happy, blissful future. I don't know who will come along in my life. I don't know whether I can walk strongly or not. But all you friends out there help. I value my friends and family. You all have been my pillar of support a lot of times and I am very grateful. I want to say thank you to you all. Sometimes I may seem that I don't appreciate but indeed I do deep inside my heart. Esp to Hazel and Chris. You both is my very very best friend and I value you two a lot. :)

My birthday

2008-09-29T15:53:00.002+08:00

Those of you who knows me will know that my birthday is coming soon. Wed 1st Oct. But the sad thing is that I want to organise a dinner tomorrow but no one seems to be free. I am very very down cos to me my birthday is a very impt day. Many people may say no big deal but this is a very personal thingy.

Sigh... very very sad and upset. I want the one I love to be with me on my birthday too..

Prettier?

2008-09-02T20:34:00.002+08:00

Yesterday my friend told me that I have become prettier. I don't know how true that is cos I only think that I become very vain and keen in dolling up. Maybe cos putting more effort in trying to look nicer. Those of you that have not met me for some time may be able to give me more accurate observations bah. Of course I am quite glad to hear that comment. :p

I am going for my last slimming or maybe contouring session this Sat. Over the months, I have lost about 4kg. Not very very satisfied with the results cos tummy still have not gone down. Only felt a bit cm lost on arms and waist. I guess I would only know the final answer after the measurement they do this Sat.

My love life is still pretty much the same. Not attached with no committment. Everyday just work work and work. Did I say that I am being confirmed at CGH le? I was quite happy and hope to be converted to perm after my contract ends. Better still, before my contract ends they will want to convert me. Hehe... greedy girl.

Still my goals for now are about the same:
1) To be able to stay and work permanently in CGH.
2) To be able to slim down more and become a pretty girl.
3) Still to think before I talk or act.
4) To be an independent and responsible person.
5) To find someone that I love who loves me too.
6) etc etc etc :)

Hard to turn back

2008-08-21T15:01:00.002+08:00

There is so many things in life that would not allow you a 2nd chance if you have done wrong. I don't know whether this is the right way or not cos I always try to give people chances. But whatever I do, I have learnt that I need to be responsible for it. No matter in speech or actions.

I have been thinking about my marriage with Chris. 8 years passed just like that but we have gone through a lot of tough times together. He has stayed by me no matter in bad or good times. No matter how lousy I have been. Sometimes, I think whether leaving him is a bad choice or not. Sometimes the answer is yes but there are times when the answer is no. I really don't know what to do now. I have asked whether he can accept me back but his answer is no. He does not want that committment and that life with me anymore now that he has gotten used to life without me. Also, he can't bring himself to forget and trust all over again. I understand where he is coming from, afterall, this has not happened once but twice. How to trust someone that has wanted to leave you twice?

Would I be able to meet someone that will treat me like he does? Would I be able to find someone that I love at all is a big question. I don't know what life has in store for me. I do not wish to stay single for life but I am very scared about getting hurt again. Going through one failed marriage is enough...

Have been feeling lonely

2008-08-06T16:06:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling quite lonely recently. I hope to be able to find my perfect guy. Someone that I can be the small woman behind and supporting him all the way. Someone that has good planning for the future. Someone with dreams and hopes. Chinese says.. "you shang jin xin". I just want to have someone that I love and that person also loves me. Doesn't matter who loves who more. Why be so particular about this if both parties love each other? I want to be able to give the other party whatever is impt to me. Overall, I wish so much to be felt loved again. I have loved some people before in my life but still it is not enough. Both ways traffic is the way to go. I don't know what to say. Just feeling sad and lonely for myself.

Good news for my health

2008-07-10T20:44:00.002+08:00

I went for my medical appt yesterday, dr says blood and protein in my urine has gone down further. It's good news for me. I think most likely cos of diet and also Chinese medicine. It helps build up my health and body functions. He still wants me to go back in 6 months time. Will do some infection tests and if that pass, I will only need to do annual checks.

As for slimming, last Sat went again and she said I have in total reduced 2kg from the time I joined their session. Quite happy. But then tummy, tights and back still fat. What I want is to slim down in inches, not caring really about weight. So still have a lot to go even after successful slimming down I still have to maintain. My abs, bums and tights session and work starting next Thur. Can't wait.

This month I really overspent. Today is only 10th and I am broke le. From next month onwards have to learn not to buy so much things. Only buy end month when have enough leftovers. Learn to control.

As for work, I am due to confirm 7th next month. I sincerely hope I would be able to pass. I wish to work long long in CGH and working for that to happen.

So bored and sian recently. My friend gave me a laptop but it is in linux mode. I hope I can get windows xp cos this linux is really very hard to use. Can't install anything.. Sad...

Slimming and contouring

2008-06-30T14:19:00.002+08:00

On Saturday, I went to for my contouring sessions once more and lost 700g. The therapist was so glad and kept asking me to maintain. I felt giddy during the heat wrap and had to press bell to stop before the therapist said times up. Kept telling myself to "ren" during the whole session but when giddy couldn't help it anymore.

Trying to take only good and healthy food. More vegetable and rice each meal. If hungry in between, drink plain oats or take fruits and veggie. Tough it might be, but I am sure I would be happy with the results.

I am still wanting to be a pretty and nice me.

Family and love issues

2008-06-23T12:21:00.002+08:00

I have having both family and love issues at the same time. It seems so easy to solve but yet again so tough when handling human beings.

Love with Chris seems impossible now that we are both not really giving each other a chance. I just spoke to him today to go find a lawyer and settle things since we know that we can't accept the new us anymore. I hope to be able to find someone that I love and he love me in future. I don't know whether that person will come along since I am so stubborn in my choices. I want to be the perfect person that my next partner can be proud to bring back home to. I have to improve and it's all for my own good.

Family... I am foolish to think that between family everything can be shared. I have learnt not to touch her things anymore. Yesterday night, dad, mum and bro stayed up talking with me till 2am. They must all be very tired today. I better not let them know of anything that will make them worry anymore. I apologised to her this morning, a short one but she did not acknowledge. Things like this is not making the whole family happy and I have caused them to worry.

Overall, time to be a responsible person for my own actions and words. Don't let people look down on me anymore.

Alfred no longer Alfred

2008-06-20T20:55:00.002+08:00

Alfred has changed his name. From now on he will be Chrison. I wonder why he changed his name. Maybe he wants a new life from now. I guess everyone have to start afresh..

Want to join belly dancing

2008-06-17T16:15:00.005+08:00

Sigh.. the belly dancing class I signed up for have been cancelled due to poor response. I am very very sad, really wanted to learn so much.

Alf just said the other day that he wants to divorce still. Truth even if I can change and be a guai stay at home girl how long can that last? I am who I am now, whoever that comes along will just have to accept me as I am.

I am still waiting for my card to be ready then I can sign up for the slimming sessions. I am determined to become a pretty lady..

Work has been ok. Though recently sleep very little cos always watch tv or go out with friends till late. Weekdays normally sleep 6 hours plus minus. Only Sat then I can get good rest like last Sat, I literally slept the whole day at home. Piggy right.. Hehe...

Last week I bought myself a Coach bag. Small one and bought from Isetan so that I can pay next month. Going broke now.. sigh..

Pls do continue to pray for me...

Lastly.. Happy birthday to Tin..

No more Alf

2008-06-09T19:02:00.002+08:00

I think Alf is not ready and would not take me back le. I think maybe I will just walk alone and see how things go.

I am trying to make myself pretty now. Sat I went for a free trial slimming session and seriously considering to take up the package if I have the money. You friends may say.. What?? Helen you are not fat but you have not seen me recently. I have tummy, my curve is disappearing, my tights are ugly and my arms and back too.. Sad.. very...

Today went to do eyebrow trimming and calf waxing. Nice... Hope to be able to become a pretty lady. Learn how to makeup nicely also. And yah, I am joining a belly dancing class every Wed starting next Wed. Hee.. hee..

Being fine

2008-05-26T13:19:00.002+08:00

My work is quite fine now. Going to work everyday without any problems. Sometimes in the morning still feeling a bit fearful but can do go and once reach office everything would be quite fine. Like to keep myself busy.

As for things with Alf, He has not fully taken me back yet. I think this time at least need 1 year to prove myself le. Every Tue, Thur and Fri I will go back Bedok Reservoir (mum's place) to stay lor. So if friends want to ask me out, these are the best days cos Alf studying Tue and Thur night classes.

That day when I went to see psychologist Esther, she told me that the actual fact is that I am suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder. I will always be very dependent on people. I am trying my very best now to live life a bit more independent. If not I know friends, families will get irritated by me someday and leave me. Friends that want to know more can do a search online and will be able to find many many references on this disorder. It is basically a personality issue rather then a illness.

Trouble at work

2008-05-21T21:13:00.002+08:00

Today my HR Asst Director had a mini talk with me. She spoke about my MC cos last week I took 4 days MC in total. She says that the whole CGH average MC rate is 4 days MC for the whole year. Alos, for her HR dept, it is only 2 days MC for the entire year. This is very impt to her. After the talk I felt a bit scared. I smsed Alf to let him know and also told dad about it. Dad says just try my best and continue going to work, should one day my MC really has to come and I have to leave CGH, then look for another job elsewhere..

I have one friend, she is having a difficult time cos her hubby is having an affair outside. I feel very sad for her cos she has just given birth to her 2nd child not so long ago. Anyone has evening part time job please let me know, hope to recommend her..

Life is so uncertain. Hope just I can be strong and live more independently onwards. May "san bao" buddha help me..

First day of work

2008-05-08T20:36:00.002+08:00

Today's my first day of work at CGH. Morning still having a bit of anxiety disorder and feeling a bit scared. But I wrote down a list of reasons I would need to go work and eventually I did take the bus and go. I stayed for the whole day.. hurray. Though I am happy about it, I told myself that this is the most natural thing everyone is doing and nothing to feel proud of.

After work, other things are not going so fine. But then, I caused all of it so can't blame anyone :)

Glad

2008-05-03T21:45:00.002+08:00

Today I went Bugis Kuan Yin temple to pray and also to ask about my work. The lot No. 4 is quite a good one. As below:

Imagine a mirror one thousand years old were to brighten again
Interpretation: Medium
Time to change to new ways so that the family status will progress. Future generation might benefit 5x5 = 25. One can suceed the one could not stop working. Hope is high.

After reading the book also, I begin to feel that this CGH job would go smoothly. But I also need to work hard on my part. Do not take advantage of my good luck. :)

Think before talking

2008-05-03T12:16:00.002+08:00

CGH called yesterday to say that HOD is not around on Monday. So they want me to start work on Thurs instead. Monday I will call them to see result of pre-employment check. Hopefully it is being received already.

Thinking always affect the way people do things and whether they get to achieve their goals or not. So, conclusion... Think that everything I do is for my own better future.

I would need to achieve it and I can do it de.. Tweet stop giving yourself stupid excuses and just do it. No point thinking and not acting. No point thinking and then give yourself excuses that you cannot do it. No point thinking that you have tried and others don't see it. Just do it. The results will come...

Don't let your own "feelings" overcome your thinking or what you want to do.

If this is so impt to you, you sure can do it de. THINK BEFORE TALKING!! :)

Happy today

2008-04-30T12:10:00.002+08:00

I went to CGH to sign my appt letter and pre-employment check. Everything seems to be going smoothly. I can only pray and hope that Monday I can be strong and go work and stay stable in it. It all depends on me now :)

New job

2008-04-28T18:58:00.001+08:00

New job starting on Friday. I hope I can be strong to go through all difficulties. Must remember "Just Do It". Must remember that I need to work hard for my own happy future...

My goals for now

2008-04-24T20:11:00.002+08:00

I left my temp to perm job. Job pace is a bit too fast for me.

My 3 primary goals for now:
1) To stay stablely in a job
2) To think before talking
3) To become slimmer (cut down tummy) and learn how to doll myself up

Sounds hard? Maybe but to be a better person I need the basics above. All the rest can follow.

Chosen the hard way

2008-04-08T19:55:00.002+08:00

Currently working in an MNC as a HR Administrator. It's a temp for 2 months to perm. I hope I can convert to perm but recently having a lot of health problems. My flu came and went. Came back again. For the sake of my future, I sincerely hope that I would be able to stay in this job.

Alfred and I are separated now. You may say again?? But this time it's for real. I have went to legal aid and we are getting a divorce. This had happen too many times and I do not feel like putting in effort to make this marriage work anymore. The trust is not there anymore. Though there is still some love left, it's not enough to keep me going. He may be able to promise me that he will not take me for granted and will do things to make me happy but how long can it last. Things will come to another standstill again like the last time. It is just not in his nature to behave in that way. I know that leaving him is taking the harder route. He is really a good husband. How many guys out there can you find that don't smoke, gamble and don't like to drink. But just that he is not the one for me. I believe that he will be able to find someone more worthy and fit for him.

Saying is easy but doing is hard. How many people can really find their prefect match. I wish I can find mine. I see more clearly what type of husband I would want and it is going to be tough on me. If I want to be independent, I would need one guy that can make me so. I need someone who will continuously put in effort to make things work. Romance and trust is so so impt to me. You may tell me that no love can last a lifetime, but I believe that it is just how you want to work things out. I wish for my husband and I to be able to hold hands even when we are old. We need to make time for each other even if we have kids, work, etc. He will have to give in to me at times and I too have to give in to him at times. I know I am stubborn and I hope he knows that and be able to accept it. I believe that he would be able to make me love him so much that I would be willing to give in to him. But often it takes two hands to clap and I would also need someone who loves me that much. We might not be the first in each others life as I believe that no one can be able to love others more then they love themselves but at least we are second to each other. To be able to achieve all these it's hard. It's a tough journey ahead but I am willing to do it all to see our bright future. I need strength to do all these and I hope I would be able to find strength from within myself and with added strength from the other party. Money is also a very impt factor, in this world, everything needs money and that's where work comes in. I choose to believe that the journey may be hard but the sweetness in the end is worth it. I must learn to treasure what I have now.. my family, my work, my friends. Life will eventually come to an end and it's the process that you will feel the sweetness of it all. Have your goal in life and work towards it so that you will never regret living...

Updates

2008-02-26T00:55:00.002+08:00

Sorry for not blogging for so long. Have been busy recently.

I had a anxiety relapes and did not properly work for that company as mentioned in my eariler post. And then in Jan I started a job as a Recruitment Consultant. Everything went well and the boss is very nice to be. I started with one week of half days to help overcome my anxiety disorder. Then bad thing happen again after working for one month. I had sinus attack and I had to take MC for one week. The following week it did not ease at all. I have to "drag" myself to work that following Tuesday cos work is seriously being disruptted and I know that my colleagues and boss is upset with me le. After talk with boss, I was deciding whether or not to continue working. After discussion with Alf and also some friends, I finally decided to quit. A slight part of the reason is also that I don't see myself in this sales line long cos I don't really like sales and I do not want to waste two more years here since I know I am not going to be in this industry for long.

Now staying at home and mending my sinus lor. On the look out for jobs but want to start only after March. I am going to see my family doctor tomorrow cos still having sinus pains. Sigh.. already 3rd week le, when will it ever go away. I hope to recover till I don't get the pains anymore then start work. Alf says that he does not mind me being a housewife so I am not in urgent need to seek jobs also. But thinking that everyday staying at home doing nothing, it's a bit too boring for me. I better work lah.

I have started doing sprees in my leisure time. I like the feeling of helping other people get their stuffs cheap and fast so decided to start spree organising. Used to do it free but already know that it is very hard work cos you need time and effort. So decided to impose about $0.50 per piece depending on the spree. Some overseas spree will not impose handling charge but raise the rates so that I will get a bit also. Friends tell me that I not earning much but it is really more of a leisure thing then a profit earning business.. All people out there please support me :) My site is
http://helenspree.blogspot.com

Unfair life

2007-11-30T21:06:00.000+08:00

How come life is so unfair. I was suppose to start work the Monday that has just passed but was sick. On Wed, when I went hopefully to sign the contract but was still not feeling well, I chose to go home and start work next Monday instead. The contract was not ready as the GM still has not signed it. Today, a received a call from the company saying the they did not get one of the site contract, so one of the site admin has to come to HQ to work. Thus, my position will be taken over by her and so I would not be needed. However they would need a temp for 1 to 2 months as the site admin's duties would only be done in Jan or Feb. I tried to talk to her and she did say that she preferred me to the site admin as I have HR experience however the management did not listen to her. After several minutes of talking, she told me that she will discuss with them again on Monday and then get back to me. I do not want to take the temp job as I hate to be jobless again after 2 months and to look for another job again. I want a perm job that I can stay long term in and long for that a lot. I love this job and that's why I was so keen to join them. I am at a loss now. I am so so upset with tears falling down my cheeks. Alf is working and so not here for me. I called him, Carol and my mum. Carol and Alf both advised me to work the temp. I think on Monday if they call to say that they cannot offer me perm I will take the temp first. Y is heaven so unfair to me. Or is it that I should have started working on Wed and things would not turn out this way? What would happen if that is the case. I regret not starting on Wed. Is God punishing me cos I delay starting work? God please help me get this perm job. God, You are the only One I can ask for help now.. Please.....

True realisation only happen though thinking

2007-11-12T01:49:00.000+08:00

Human always like avoiding realising the real problem behind things. This is my thought now. I remember Carol once asked me.. Is my anxiety disorder cos I am overly dependent on Alf? I told her no one the spot. These few days this question came across my mind again. After some thinking I have to admit that yes that's true to some extend.

Come to think of it, when I am working and being a confident Helen, I am always being independent to a state that sometimes Alf will be upset with me. I also realise that that is why I told my friend that if I was to go back to Alf that time, I may develop my anxiety disorder again.

Is there a way to avoid being overly dependent on Alf? He is my partner and whatever happens in my life will affect him also. So how then can I be not dependent on him. I have become too complacesome cos he is always around to support and hold on to me.

Sigh.. Helen please learn to be not too dependent and complacesome...

Lost, stressed, upset

2007-10-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

I keep asking myself, why am I the special one out. Why others can work without any problem, hold on a job for long but not me. What is this stupid anxiety disorder that makes me different from others. I look at others with envy. They have good careers, loving and supportive family, is confident and of good health. Me??? Everything is going in the opposite way. So many stupid medical appts, does it help? Check check and check, what is the result? I don't know.

I am sick and tired of looking for jobs. Sick and tired of going for medical appt and feeling sick, sick and tired of my stupid anxiety disorder. When can I ever be released of all these. When can I be confident, well-healthed and happy again??

Thank you God

2007-10-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

Today another mirable happened in my life w/o me purposely asking for it. It makes me realise and remember again that God is still watching over me and with me no matters what happens.

My friend Carol send me some messages to perk up my mood and to encourage me. I thought that she has read my blog or that my hubby has contacted her. To my surprise, she said that neither has happened. She just wanted to encourage me. Her messages came when I was in a period of downess and she did not know the situation I was in. If it is not God, no one else would have been able to do the same. It is a miracle of God working in my life. It makes me wonder. Cos when I received her messages, I was thinking of only the negative things. "My husband must have called her to complain again." That's what was running in my mind when she said that she did not read my blog. I am always thinking about the negative side of things when things happen. Though I always say that God brought me through things for a reason, I often jump to bad side of conclusions before doing anything. This incident has reminded me of a lot of good things in my life that somehow or rather has gently been put right to the very back of my mind.

I need to thank God for this. I believe that somehow He has put the thought into Carol's mind to sms me in this time of needs. I thank God for Carol, she has been standing by me and reminding me always of the the good things ion life. I thank God for Alf, he has been standing by me. If anyone is tired, he is the one. I ask God to help me to be more understanding towards him cos though his attitude has not been very nice this period of time, he is really very tired and has been standing by me.

Helen.. please remember that God has let you go through all these to strengthen you and He knows that you would be able to overcome it with His help. Please do not take the people and things around you forgranted and behave like a spoiled girl always. Life don't always go the way you want it to go, with God's granted strength and wisdom, you will be able to overcome it. Don't ever "zhuan niu jiao jian" which I realise a lot of times I am doing.

Friends, this period of time is a bit hard for me. I need to walk out of this again. Please help pray for me. Please remind me that God is always there for me. Not just saying this for fun but God is really helping me with His hands.

Calling out for help

2007-10-15T18:01:00.000+08:00

I hate myself. I hate my health and I hate the things happening around me now. I want to cry but is controlling myself cos I don't want the people around me to worry. I am scared they will all leave me too.

Today I finally admitted that it's my anxiety disorder that is causing my gastric to be bad. Maybe that's y. I have asked my dr whether can reduce med and I changed to alt days on that medication. However, I think this has caused my illness to relapes. I am feeling so bad now. Scared for no reason and is feeling unwell.

Scoldings from everyone around me is not helping at all. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to handle my emotions now. Felling so angry, upset, etc. Confused...

Stupid weather

2007-10-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

Ever since my birthday I have been sick. Down with bad headache, flu, fever. Seen dr twice and finally Friday able to go office to work. The stupid weather has been very very hot and is killing me. Having to on the aircon everyday and stay in my room. Even Sat Alf and I also did not go out. Too hot and sick. Alf also got a bad headache.

Yesterday I went to my cousin's wedding with Alf, my parents and brother. They really rich, did full album montage and things like that. Dinner was held at Novotel Hotel Dragon restuarant or something like that. Checked from the internet that at least $700 per table. Food is ok but service is really poor. Quite happy that my own wedding was affordable and quality still good.

Came home with a headache. Didn't even on the computer. Gastric was feeling terrible also. Today cant go work again. Throat hurts like hell esp when I talk. Gastric too, plus flu haven recover. Went to Chinese physician on afternoon about 4pm. My brother drove me there and I came home by cab. Spoke to the dr about the blood in urine thingy and he told me to take care. If worsen, may become kidney failure cos my kidney did not manage to filter the blood and allowed it to pass through to my urine. Very scared. Need really to take care of myself now.

Friends, I sworn off alcohol liao.. No more alcohol for me and I really need to watch my diet. Less salt also. Health is more impt. Carol is right, treasure health like you treasure the people around you. I need my mearmear to work hard together with me. Execrise more.. pray for me my friends. Will be going SGH again to check this urine problem in Dec.

One good news to end. The psychiatrist told me that I can slowly wearne off the medicine liao. Meaning now I will take the med on alternate days, thereafter slowly stop it. I would be considered recovered and no longer have to see the psychiatrist liao.. I am praying hard that this would happen. Don't like to relay on medicine.

Ok ending now.. Everyone, please do not take your health forgranted ok. I still want to have baby one.. Hehe..

Officially 27

2007-10-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

As of yesterday I am 27 years old le.. Time seems to fly. Thinking back to one year ago, life was much different. I treasure Alf more and I wish in future this will not change.

I had my celebration with friends on Sunday. Attendance, Hazel with Dave, Richard with Kedy, Tuang Yeow, Jenny and Tim, My mum, sis with bf and bro with gf, Caryn, Kelvin (Rich's friend) Grace and finally Jiani. We all have quite a nice time bbq at the pit below my flat. Cos it's Sunday and next day all have to work, most of them left at 10pm plus except for Grace with Jiani at 11am plus. Bad Wong did not come. I don't know what happen to my god-brother Andy. No one seem to be able to reach him. Hopefully nothing has happen to him, a few of us were quite worried.

Got quite a few gifts, the first one came from Sylvia (my manager) on Thursday. Friday she wouldn be coming to work cos on course, so she gave me mine in advance. Nice necklace... Then from Hazel and Dave two cat dolls, Rich and Kedy a spa voucher, Tuang Yeow brought along two bottles of sparkling drink, one with and the other one w/o alcohol. Jenny and Tim a necklace with earring set and Jiani with Grace OPI nail polish. Nice mum and sis gave me some cash as ang pow money for my birthday.. Hee hee, so nice of them.

You might be wondering what my mearmear gave me. He paid for all the bbq things, a cake and when we went Sentosa the next day, a dolphin bracelet and mini wind charm. I chose them myself.. I feel really happy and thankful to him. He allowed both the bbq and Sentosa trip plus he insist on getting me a present even though he has paid for both bbq and also cake. Yes, he really dote on me a lot.

At Sentosa, we bought the package choosing... Calberg tower, Luge and skyride, Butterfly park, Images of Singapore and 4D ride (add on $5 to package). He also brought me to sit the sitmulation ride (additional pricing) cos I said I wanted to experience it. See how nice is he.. :) He has been really nice to me at Sentosa, whatever asking me to choose and what I like. Really really very touched and don't know what to say. My sister got us free entry to Underwater world and Pink Dolphin Lagoon. I can tell after the dolphin lagoon that Alf was so so tired but he asked me whether I still want to go underwater world, when I said yes, he didn't even disagree. Met up with my brother at Vivocity to return my sis's card. He is suppose to come my place to pick it up but so coincidence he also went Vivo with his gf.. We have a free ride home from him. Thanks bro.

Today felt sick, terrible headache with dizzyness. Probably due to that woman thingy again. Sigh, I really don't know what to say. Cancelled my leave today but had no choice but to take MC. People must be thinking bad things about me liao. What choice do I have?

Again, I thank and love you mearmear...

Thanks hubby

2007-09-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

Today my hubby finally allowed me to have my birthday celebration with my friend. Hip Hip horray. Thanks so much. I went to the RC to inform them of my booking. Also, smsed and email my pals to inform them. Cannot invite a lot of ppl cos of "cost" restriction. So hope that those are not invited will not be upset. Not that you are not impt but I invite mostly only those that my hubby and me both know.

I hope to have a gathering of ex-GMP colleagues this time. Hopefully everyone will be able to turn up. Miss them so so..

Or rather I hope all the friends that I invited will come. I really hope to meet up with you all and talk and enjoy the night. This birthday is so impt to me, please please try you very very very best to come.. :)

Work and love

2007-09-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

This morning was one of the worst mornings I had for a long time. I accidentally brought my mgr cupboard keys home yesterday and forgot to bring it to work today. Early in morning my mgr asked for the keys and I realise the above. Have to call poor Alf who slept real late yesterday to bring to my work place. So total I have two unhappy person plus myself three. Felt so bad that I have to wake Alf up and I think he is now suffering a headache cos of that. My mgr has to be in a bad mood today too. I am really trying hard to be the "perfect employee" that she hopes I am. But I guess no one is perfect plus I am super sotong careless Helen, so worst. A lot of ppl that I talked with today told me that no one is perfect, I just have to be more careful. Someone also said that with every bad experience, it will help me to be more careful not to commit the same mistake again. Thanks friends, all your talks make me feel better after lunch today.

Asked my friend who works near me for lunch today. Went to Simpang for lunch, thanks for your company today. :)

Carol told me that she read my blog from Oct 06 till my last entry and really thought that Alf is a great man to be able to accept me back again. I totally agree with it. Through all these, I have learned who loves me the most. I will treasure Alf more.. Always remind myself that I need to treasure him and not take him forgranted.

Hehe.. Alf have been bothered with my wish to have a bbq for my birthday. He ask me to choose between him bringing me to Sentosa on actual day and the bbq with my friends. If you ask me, Sentosa with him is more impt but I keep thinking that it is once a year that I get to celebrate such a impt day with my friends. Don't know how lay. I shouldn't be greedy lor, Alf already nice enough to want to take leave and bring me to Sentosa.

I have learned some things recently:
1) Treasure and do not take forgranted those that loves you.
2) Everything that happens is for a reason, do not brood on it if it has past. Take it as a learning experience and try to move on. Remember it as a learning experience and for yourself not to commit the same wrong again but do not keep feeling upset over it cos it is no point. Even if given a chance to go back to that time again, how can you ensure that you wouldn make the same wrong move again? So move on..
3) Everything that my mgr commented on is for my own good to improve on my work. It is nothing personal against me.
4) Try not to mind too much what others think of me. So long I have done the right thing, follow it. I have always mind how others look at me. I have always wanted everyone to like me. Doing things to please them only. Not right...
5) Grow up and stop acting like a spoil attention seeker. I already have the attention of those that matters to me so, it's enough..
6) Stop being so emotional. Think and choose with my brain rather then my heart.

Haha.. all the above is my thoughts for now. I always know what is the correct thing to do but very hard to really follow by it. I hope to improve myself from now on. Try to think positive... Lastly I want to say again.. Thank you mearmear. I love you...

Birthday coming

2007-09-17T16:42:00.000+08:00

My birthday is coming.. Counting down about 14 days bah. I am so excited at the thought of it but thinking that there is no celebration saddens me.

Maybe I am too focus on my birthday but I feel that every year this time is very impt to me. I hope for a celebration with my pals over the weekend and on actual day have a good day with my hubby. But I think hubby might not want to have a celebration with friends. So only on actual day he will spend a good day with me. I do feel a bit sad but I respect his wishes..

Hehe.. I hope to receive many many presents.. Greedy old me.. Heehee.. Maybe write my wish list for fun of it since some ppl asked me. You need not refer to it cos impossible to get one. So ex.. haha... silly ones..

1) System 3 inverter aircon
2) Small self-moving vacumn machine (don't know what it is called)
3) Digital camera (at least 7.0 mega pixels)
4) 3-in-1 printer cum scanner cum copier (hopefully Brother brand)
5) Clothes for work (I put on so much weight that my friends and hubby is laughing at me. Almost all old clothes can't fit liao. Have to get M tops and L bottoms cos tummy big.. Hehe)
6) A car
7) My driving license
8) To promote to Snr HR Exec
9) Some Tweety Bird or Hello Kitty stuffs
10) A brown and white bunny
11) Some nice earring (Alf threw away my loop ring earring.. Cry.. Remember hor, I got sensitive skin and cannot wear not real one.. Haha)
12) Deep fryer
13) etc etc etc etc (x1000000000000000000000) never ending
14) Maybe a baby boy???

Haha.. I joking only. All the above are bull-shitting.. All I want is a loving happy marriage. A God blessed life... To be happy, cheerful, satisfied, healthy and all my family member to stay in good health...

Happy, tiring life

2007-09-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

Sorry so long never blog liao. You guys must be wondering how's my life coming along. One whole month liao. Hehe..

I started work in my current company on 16th Aug, so nearly one month liao lor. Everything is going quite smoothly. Learning to be a good HR person. You really have to be nearly perfect to be one good HR person lay. But anyway, I will try my best. Hope to bring Wong over to my company in future. So call "fei shui bu liu wai ren tian", simply meaning good things keep for ourself. I also hope to build good friendship in this company esp with Sylvia. She is another one person I admire a lot. For her strong personality and also character.

Yesterday went karaoke with Carol and Alvin. Alf and me went together. Recently never go out with Andy they all liao. Cos go out with Andy always drink and pub and spent lotta money. Once in blue moon still ok but every week can die er. Karaoke was fun, from 9pm to 1pm at old Cha Ren lor. Though seems a bit too long liao. 4 hours ley, but ok lor.. Catch up, etc..

Things with me and Alf have been quite good. Of course at times got ups and downs but I do see improvement. I always believe that so long both parties work hard, it will work de. I really must thank those that hurt me in the past, through all these then I know the person that loves me the most is Alf. I love you, mearmear...

Happy Birthday My God-Brother Andy

2007-08-03T23:10:00.001+08:00

Yesterday night met up with our usual group of pals again. It's my most precious God-Brother, Andy's, birthday today. Alfred and me met him at Centrepoint Mac for dinner about 8.30pm then talk for a while before entering the 97 pub about 10pm. Wow.. he is really prepared to spent a bomb. We promised to buy him one bottle as pressie but he himself ordered another 2 bottles.. I wonder whether we can finish it.

We reached the place with new made friends Ah Girl and Ah Keong. Ah-Girl is really so crazy fun loving like the old young me. Looking at her reminds me of the times with the old gang of friends. Stepney, Geogos, Stephen they all. I used to be the only girl kaki in the gang but they always treat me like a boy. Haha... was really fun those days. Now is more like the "mother" of the group liao. Taking care of them and making sure they don't get hurt when high or drunk. Hehehe..

Attendance time!! Alf, Me, Andy, Hazel & bf, Richard & Kedy, Resendoes & gf, Kelvin, Grace and lastly Jiani. Long time never meet is Ah Kai and friends. Then new made friends Ah Keong and Ah Girl lor. This year bro never get drunk with much thanks to Ah Keong I think. Poor keong covered a lot of drinks for Andy. Then Andy's real eldest bro even more poor thing. Sit there waiting for us to enjoy finish all alone. He driving so cannot drink a lot somemore. Luckily Rich they all manage to reach before 12am. Res bought a one slice cake for Andy. Hehe, he sure knows us well knowing that we wouldn be able to finish one whole cake one. We all don't fancy eating cake u c. Rich bought another bottle for Andy. Kelvin bought one barrel of beer. Broke our piggy banks liao lah.

Overall at the end of the day all of quite ok except for Grace. Rich, Bro, Ah-Keong and Jiani very high. Hazel and me got high also but we manage to control ourselves. So when we left, both sober. Hazel & bf with Res & gf left the earilest about 2am. Then reach 3am plus I very tired liao. Surprise hor, I always the one to want to stay on but this time I told Alf I want to go home liao. Guess I am old and not as crazy as before liao. Alf is happy I guess, cos I didn't smoke, didn't fool around with the pals and also wanted to leave early. Yay, I happily say that I quit liao lor. 3rd day never smoke today liao.

Some "chou-wen". Andy hugged and kissed Grace and another "xiao cha boh" last night. He never get drunk so he still remember what happen last night when he called Alf today lor. A lot of us find Andy and Grace compatible but guess both of them does not want to get committed. Some stupid reason about wanting to play from Andy.

Hmm.. overall I guess it was a fun night. I enjoyed dancing a lot. Yes I love dancing. Kedy tels me that I dance very nicely and hehe.. of course I happy lah. I always believe that you must have confidence when u dance then will be nice one. And yes, dancing meant more for girls cos when they do it right, so appealing and nice.

Yes I did get a bit "jealous" about Alf and Ah-Girl but I am glad that Alf brought Ah-Girl to tell her what is our relation. From now on I guess Alf and I will learn to respect each other more. Hope this will continue and we will continue to learn how to grow and love each other more and more along the way. The road is tough but I believe that if both parties have the will and love to walk finish this life together, we will be able to do it!! I love you mear mear....

What is a relationship without trust??

2007-08-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

I am going crazy, I really am. Separation, separation. If a marriage has no faith and separation is the first thing that comes to mind when things happen then what is the whole marriage for? I cannot start things all over again. It is impossible. He is so impt to me that I can even sacrify my own life for him but does it matter to him? Does he believe? Does he understand?

I am trying so hard to do things for him. I have quit smoking for him though it suffers a lot. Does he know? Does he care? Does it even matter to him at all.

Things are not the same anymore. It will no longer be. I am tired, I am breaking down. I don't know what to do now. Maybe, maybe he is not the one for me. Maybe I should give him up? Maybe all these should end..

God guide me...My thoughts are running wild. He only wants people to blame me. He only thinks about his own feelings and not mine. I feel like running out, running away. I know it's childish and I am only letting those that care about me worry, so I am not doing it. But what else can I do?

I sit here with tears flowing down my cheeks and heart. I am heartbroken, does he know how much he actually matter to me? What should I do? Where can I go? I am alone, all alone..

Miss you

2007-07-28T14:06:00.000+08:00

I miss my project branch ex-colleagues a lot.. Really a lot. Miss all the fun times, the teasing and even the one that always makes me come back to earth when I am flying in heaven. But come on, dare to dream man! When can I ever meet you all again. I really miss you all a lot.

Nope, I have not started work yet. 1st Aug, that will be next Wednesday. Helen be brave ok..

Today Alf suppose not to be working but an urgent phone call spoils the day. Sweet him didn't want to go back and wanted to keep me company but hor I stupid girl lor. Say if urgent things at work then he should go back and help the company out. Now I gotta stay alone at home till late evening.

Rex escaped the fate of being shaven down cos raining and raining. Cannot walk him to Bedok South lor. My usual groomer's equipment is down, so have to wait till he is ready. But hor, vet visit coming Monday. My bro agreed to drive me and Rex to vet. Told mum that Rex is shaven down but now he is not lor. Have to take the risk. Rex... pls be kuai and not leave your precious fur in my dad's car hor.

Starting work

2007-07-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. I am starting work at my new company tomorrow. Kindda nervous but I don't think it is cos of my anxiety. Most likely I am wondering whether this company would be as fun as GMP. Somehow I doubt so. I really hope that I can go work and enjoy it for the whole day tomorrow. God please help me. Thanks.

Finally Wild Wild Wet

2007-07-08T14:09:00.000+08:00

Hee.. hee.. clap clap my mear mear brought me to Wild Wild Wet yesterday. So fun and relaxing. I especially love the 5 person Ular-Lah and the relaxing Shiok River. Me sitting on the tube while mear pushing me along. Fun and relaxing. Mear love the Yakult playground most. Whenever hear the "ding ding" sound. it's time to run below Yakult can to be han-tam with lotta water. Very fun and interesting. Though I wasn't showing much expression, I had really great fun and boy was it relaxing. We went at about 2pm and left at about 5pm. I was the one to ask to go, surprised? But I was tired and hungry lor. And somemore all the rides completely. Yes, all.. Hehe..

Poor mear have to go work today though he only slept at 5am this morning. Donno y he couldn't sleep. I was quite upset that he has to force himself to go work but sigh.. no choice lor. Work will be work, have to understand.

As for me, I turned slightly darker today. Yesterday was a bit like sunburnt and I was scared it will last but didn't. Heee... Then yesterday night dreamt of GMP again. So much fun I had working there. I really miss being a GMPian. Everyone is GMP is really sporting and nice to be with lor.

Oh yah, Tuesday Irene invited us to a farewell drink at Clarke Quay. Most of us went. Siti, Dewi, Wong, Irene, Jane, Pviter, Yunos, Hazel, Victor and Jason from IR. We had good time talking. Yucks, the Lychee Martini is so dry.. I guess I haven really try real Lychee Martini before cos all is like diluted and sweet from before. Jason drove Wong, Irene and me home after the whole session. Real nice lor. I wish we can have more gathering like this in future. All come together. This time will be friends le, no more colleagues. Pic...

Dark dark world

2007-06-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

Sigh, this world is really very dark. Everyone for themselves. I have known it all along but would not expect to see this bad thing happening in my ex-office. Y ex? Cos yesterday was last day of contract or should I say today. But not working cos Sat mah. Sometimes, it is really hard to see whose the trusted one around you. Or maybe you can only trust yourself. Arrows shooting everywhere. Kindda dangerous. You may die without knowing why.

Yesterday night colleagues and I went Marche to eat cos company giving is a farewell dinner treat. Ray, Ena, Victor, Jane, Hazel, Siti, Dewi and I went. We arranged to wear white and jeans.. So coordinated. Hehe.. My first time wearing jeans to this office to work though. Had quite a good meal. Gift from Jane to everyone leaving and so we (Siti, Dewi, Shaf and me) bought a gift for her. I guess she really likes it.. Hehe... Can you imagine that we were stuck in teh multi-storey carpark for 30mins when leaving Vivo? Every car wants to go out and Ray's car was at the 4th floor, so wait wait and wait. Poor Ray was rushing for his midnight show and so so upset. I took Ray's ride home. Poor Jane and Victor was worst, Jane's hubby parked at 5th floor and they were stuck for more then 45mins. Victor grumbled that he felt so weird in the car. I guess if it's me I would have felt the same way. Susprisingly no one cried yesterday. I was afraid that I would cry too cos I am really sad that project ending and I have to leav emy colleagues. We were all like a big big family. Plus, the few of us saw the project starting and building up slowly. So upset that it has now got to end. We really build good friendship cos us all need to work closely together. Everyone, keep in touch ok. Don't loose the friendship that we have gained this 8 months.

Today hubby brought me to Ang Mo Kio Hub walk walk. Chey, such a little mall with little things. He bought me a bag and 2GB memory card for my handphone. Hehe, I can store my songs in liao. Now he is out with his colleagues for dinner, me alone at home with naughty Rex. He allowed me to order mac so waiting for it to arrive lor. Today 1 hr delivery, so rare. Hungry...

Happy Anniversary!!

2007-06-27T10:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my 7th year anniversary. Mear brought me to 115 restuarant to eat. So nice..

Mear say Sat bringing me out again. Horray.. Hopefully I can have enough cash to buy gift for him.. So broke this month.

I wish that mear and me can last forever till the end of our time.

Holiday

2007-06-24T11:08:00.000+08:00

Mear mear is at work today and I am bored at home. No going out and no mear at home..

Our 7 years anniversary is coming. I wonder whether mear can bring me on holiday. Mear, plsssssssssss... Treat it as an anniversary gift for me lah. I really really really hope for a holiday. Apply leave and go with me pls.

Something I saw from Friendster

2007-06-20T23:38:00.000+08:00

Did you no that every nightb4 u go to sleep there is 1 person of the opposite sex thinking of you. they want 2 kiss u, they want 2 b with u,they r always thinking about u, this is all true and not fake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
advice....
WHEN SHE ACTS SHY-SAY I LOVE YOU
WHEN SHE RUNS AWAY FROM YOU- CHASE HER
WHEN SHE PUTS HER FACE NEAR YOURS- KISS HER
WHEN SHE KICKS & PUNCHES- HOLD HER TIGHT
WHEN SHE IS SILENT- SHE'S THINKIN OF HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU
WHEN SHE IS SCREAMING STOP STOP-DON'T.
WHEN YOU HUG HER-HUG HER SOFTLY
WHEN SHE IGNORES YOU- SHE WANTS ALL YOUR ATTENTION!
WHEN SHE PULLS AWAY- GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND NEVER LET GO
WHEN SHE FEELS SICK-COMFORT HER!
WHEN SHE WALKS TOWARD YOU-DON'T JUST HUG HER PAY ATTENTION TO HER!WHEN YOU SEE HER AT HER WORST- TELL HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
*WHEN SHE SCREAMS AT YOU- TELL HER YOU LOVE HER BUT MEAN IT
WHEN YOU SEE HER WALKING-SNEAK UP BEHIND HER GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND GIVE HER A KISS
WHEN SHE'S SCARED!!!!!!!!!-HOLD HER AND TELL HER EVERYTHING WILL BE OK CAUSE SHE'S WITH YOU
WHEN SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHINGS THE MATTER- KISS HER AND TELL HER NOT TO WORRY
WHILE SHE HOLDS YOUR HANDS- PLAY WITH HER FINGERS

Finally

2007-06-18T22:43:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night was the worst night of my life so far. I talked to Alf about us and I cried. After that, both of us could not sleep the whole night. This morning Alf jia let lor, so tired but gotta go work. For me, I took MC cos afternoon going to c Dr Ng anyway.

But this morning, Alf finally told me that he has decided to get back together with me. I am so so delighted. He call me when he at work and told me that tonight we will put back our rings. He also sms that he love me.. Finally the day that I hope, wish and pray for is here. I will treasure this marriage so so much liao.

Went to an agency for interview afternoon, after client know that I have anxiety disorder, they do not want to see me le. I am so upset. When I went to see dr, he told me no need to declare. He even can cut down my medication. Yippy!! Longing for the day I can get off all anxiety medicine.

Today must be the happiest day I have ;p. I pray to God to give me the job that I can take. Helen be patient ok. Actually I thinking of having a little break. Hope Alf can go holiday with me. Want the break so so much. Too uptight all these months liao.

Sorry Wong

2007-06-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

I still feel very sorry towards Wong though that was yesterday. I did not go to work cos headache and though Wong is on leave, I asked him to come back. He was quite upset in the morning but I don't know whether he is still angry now. Once again, sorry and thanks.

Today got the news that I have to look for a new job cos contract ends June and no more recruiters needed in project branch. Can't help but feel a bit upset. I am worried that my anxiety will relapes in the new job. I should not worry so much cos the more I worry, the more it might happen. Helen... pray and be strong.

Really very tired of changing jobs. I really hope for a company that gives me the chance to prove myself and I can stay long term. Hopefully for another 10 years or so. Would that chance come along. I can do it de, company just need to give me a chance.

After my last blog, some friends asked me whether my anxiety is relaping now that's why I blog about it. The answer is no. I just feel like writing what I have gone through and to thank the respective friends and kins.

After all these, I realise that the one I love most is Alf. Not keong, not anyone else. We have went through so much together and he has done so much for me. No one could ever replace him in my heart and similarly, the times that we went through. No matter whether he accept me back or not.

Anxiety Disorder

2007-06-13T20:48:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone,

Today suddenly feel like blogging about this stupid illness that I have. Anxiety disorder, mine is basically work related.

It first started in year 2002 when I was working for JJ. I was all alone in the office. Work load is not a lot. I had worked there for about 6 months, suddenly I was afraid to go to work. At home, I keep telling my hubby that I didn't want to go work cos I was scared. No reason to be scared actually but I just cannot figure out why. This went on for some days, my mum brought me to see a general doctor but that did not help. Then, I went to a polyclinic and got a referral to see a psychiatrist (Doctor) at SGH. It is there that I met with Dr Ng. I felt very comfortable talking to him, so I continued under his care even when there are times his consulation is at IMH or other places.

I still remember he started me on a non-standard drug that was quite expensive cos the others were quite useless for me. He is a very nice man and there were times when I was broke and he gave me his trial pack instead. I also saw a psychologist (under common terms is medical counseller) Esther. She was also very nice and often talk to me about my problems and helping me face up to the truth about everything. Often I realise that I had answers inside me, it's whether I want to act on them or not.

I left JJ mainly cause of this disorder. Even when I tried to go back a few days to help out I couldn't really face up to my fear. After JJ and also some time of rest, I went on to another job WongS. I was happy that I was able to overcome everything and work there. However, Dr Ng changed my medicine somewhere November 2003 as I wasn't really able to manage with the $1 per medicine. During the change in medicine, I couldn't really get used to it and it kind of relapes. So again, I felt scared to go work. I also didn't really like the job there so I left. I went on to a lot of part time and temp jobs trying to overcome my illness. This went on for about 2 years.

All these time, my dearest Alf have been the one beside me supporting me. There are times when he got really stressed up by me and we quarrelled but he has always cared and made a lot of sacrifies for me. I really want to thank all my friends. Especially Alf, my parents for supporting me all through this time. No matter is financially or mentally. God is good and He walked me through all these. Even when at times like that when I wasn't working full time, Alf and me could afford to work towards our Chinese customary wedding that was held in Oct 2005. I had a really happy and blessed wedding dinner that night. That is the happiest day of my life.

Finally in July 2005, I was able to get to work full time and from then on, things have been quite good. The first few years Alf and me really had to work real hard to overcome this disorder. Finally end year 2006 in my current job, Ben (my ex-manager) gave me the chance to prove myself. I am also very grateful to him for giving me this chance. I finally found back the old working, confident Helen. I begin to learn how to balance work and recreation. Not have too high expectations of myself and work myself too hard.

Now the contract should be ending soon, I still hope to stay at GMP that has gave me the chance to build back my confidence. However, I believe in God's arrangement. Helen will be able to stay strong and work towards my goal in life.

I want to take this blog to say a few things to a few people:

Alf - I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. We have walked through all the ups and down in life. I regret and apologise for making the stupid decision Feb this year. I know things will never be the same again but I sincerely hope that we will have the chance to go through all things for the rest of our life. From the bottom of my heart, I still love you Mear mear. Much much more then before.

My parents - Though they may not read my blog I just want to say thanks. They have been worrying about me all through these times. I hope I will be able to help take care of you two till the end of your time.

My bro and sis - My bro have always said encouraging words to me. He may think it does not help much but it does. Thanks for all the drives home too. My sis is a very "mouth sharp heart soft" person. She may not be saying all the nice things but that time when you told me you used to admire me when I was doing my part-time studies and working full time I reallly felt very touched and encouraged. I hope to be the sister that you two have admired before.

My friends - Thanks for all the encouragement and talks. Carol, sorry for always calling you and crying about my things. You must have felt really very sian then. You have been there when I need you the most. Thanks.

Finally God - No words can express what I want to say to You. You have brought all the above people into my life and let me go through things to make me a stronger person. I know that all You have done is for my own good and nothing, nothing at all will you give me should you know I am not able to take it.

To all reading my blog. If you have also some type of mental disorder, do not give up. You will overcome it in time. Give yourself the faith and confident, I know saying is easy but doing is hard. I have been through it too. Look to the further don't look back and wish that you are what you are then.
To those that are friends or family with people with mental disorder or some illness. They really need your encouragement a lot. You may not know or realise but every little thing that you say or affects them a lot. You mean the whole to them now.
To all other people. Don't look down on anyone with mental problem. They are not all crazy. Most of them would not come after you with a chopper. Don't you have times in life that you need others care and concern? I believe a lot of people have some kind of mental stress or another. It is just whether it is serious enough to see a doctor or not. So please be more patient to them.

Well.. I still have to go back and see Dr Ng for medication but he has been giving me the minimum dose. From the starting 3 times a day and 3-4 medication to now only once a day and only 2 medication, is already a difference. I hope to be able to reduce it to no more one day. :p

Y woman got so many problem

2007-06-12T12:19:00.000+08:00

Arhh... pain pain pain.. Anyway of stopping this pain. Somemore making my head spin. Must we encounter this every month? Anyway we can relieve this stupid pain?

Somemore have to work. It's killing me... Helppppppppp

Yesterday

2007-06-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

Clubbing yesterday night with colleagues (Dewi & hubby, Siti & hubby, Ena and financee and their friends). Suppose to meet them at City Hall at 10pm but then till 11pm still haven come. Sigh.. very sian, wanted to jus go dragonfly meet Hazel. But thinking that I seldom have chance to go out with colleagues so waited lor. Finally we went inside DXO at about 11.30pm. School Out Night at DXO, so a lot of secondary school students. Some wearing uniform somemore. Sian... Seeing them is like seeing myself when I first come out club. So lian/beng. We keep joking that if they dare to challenge us or what we ask them which school they from and name then complain to principal. Wonder how come their parents will allow them to come out so late. Siti say maybe lie camping, school assignment or what. I think maybe they say movie lor. They go also only can drink coke, what fun is there. Might as well go tea dance and not crowd our dance floor. Hehe, bad erh me.

Then went over to O Bar about 1am+. Real crowded, waited a long time before able to get in. Too many people inside liao lah. Ena and financee went back cos he had to work today. When finally able to go inside, the music quite nice though R & B. Very funny, met my cousin there. Didn't know he working there. When going toliet Siti told me got one guy call me but I thought she joking. But anyway, when we left at 4am, he came to talk to me then I know really my cousin. Working boundser there. Good, next time want go can find him. Maybe can get free entry and cut queue hor.

Wondering whether I got hooked up? Yes one guy did approach me but he 24 years old only. I not interested lah. Seems to Siti & Dewi that the guy really very interested in me. I don't care. Hehe...

Hmm.. overall quite fun but I guess I am getting not used to these places liao. When in O bar already started having headache. Didn't really drink much, don't know y headache also. Except for that stupid small sms "quarrel" with Alf, overall quite nice lor.

Stressed, upset, headache

2007-06-08T15:43:00.000+08:00

Why can't people be more responsible? I know I myself is not so much but for work, I always try to make myself contactable even when I am on leave or mc. How can just because no pay increment go relax at work and hack care even the duty phone that is suppose to be on 24 hours.

Then can clients be more co-operative? Give us trouble and then when we have not enough candidates or have trouble they pick up such a big fuss. I am really pissed off. Busy is a stupid excuse. It doesn't take up much of your time just telling us who you want to choose.

I know all these are small things but I am really very very stressed up today. Bad mood, upset, headache. Maybe cos that stupid time of the month coming bah. I very irritable today.. Sigh..

I want a holiday!!!

Pissed

2007-06-08T09:18:00.000+08:00

Today have to wake up eariler then normal. Abit upset lor. Cos 2nd interview with candidates at 8am and they seeing client at 9am. Then hor, the ops late lor and don have key. I didn't know. I thought I asked them yesterday liao.. nevermind.. No choice somemore poor candidates have to wait outside for me. Wonder if anyone of them just left...

Yesterday night watched Incredible Tales on channel 5. So glad it came back. But hor, reach ending the man's died body a bit scary lor. I was feeling scared cos alone at home. Lucky got Rex for me to hug.

Tomorrow night should be going out with my colleagues. DXO and maybe O Bar. See how bah.

I miss all my friends so much. I have always remembered all the good times that we have together. Long to go back to those days where the group was so big, so fun, not much cares and worries. The past will always seem better, B told me. Cos it is past mah.. Agree..

Chances of meeting my friends are getting lesser and lesser. Everyone is busy and I can't make extra time also. So many things in the way.

I wish so much to go on holiday. Relax..

Project ending soon. I may be out of job again. If only I can take this time to go overseas. I really really want to do so. Esp with my love one. Alf doesn't like going overseas..

Helen is a very sad and have nothing girl...

Realisation

2007-06-04T13:51:00.000+08:00

In life everyone will always be teaching and telling you things but what your interperation may be different. Same words, different meaning to different person. A simple advise for someone to be more careful about money and not be so naive may change that person into someone real materalistic and values money over friendship or kinship. So should we all just shut our mouth and not say anything about everything?

Some things in life we have already done and can never revert back. But do we have to be punished by it for life? The price is a bit to high to pay. Losing your most loved one.

Why can't all men just stand up and admit their wrongs? Is facing the truth so hard. You have done what you have done. Be like a man, face up to your wrongs. There's nothing that you cannot face if you have already done it.

I have hurt someone deeply. Someone I love and loves me a lot. This is torturing him and I don't like it at all. Should I leave and let both of us start everything afresh on our own? I only want him to be happy and not in such a state. Is there anything I can do? I am willing to do anything just to have him happy. Even if it means losing him. Cos it hurts me to see him like that. It hurts even more then him leaving me. I still love him, a lot, a lot. No one would be ever able to replace him anymore.

I want to thank those friends standing by me all these while. Without you all, I might not have the faith and courage to admit that I was wrong and to go and seek forgiveness. I know there are a lot of ppl out there that cares for me. I deeply want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I love you all as my friends as well. Especially to you that has been caring for me so so much. You don't know how much you mean to me. You chose to be with me through all those times and not abandon me. You did not despise me but only told me things so that others would not be able to hurt me any further. Thanks!!

Sorry

2007-05-31T22:57:00.000+08:00

Sorry is a very easy thing to say, or maybe it is hard for some people. I always hope that people mean it when they say sorry cos those that say that, I will try my best to forgive them.

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was better. I had taken leave yest and cos I know Alf working night shift tired and I wanted to make him feel better. I know he has been upset about work shift things. I went to buy ingredients and made soup for him. I really hope that cheered u up Alf. :p

Tonight suppose to meet my friends to go out but something cause the cock-up as usual. I was quite upset and disappointed cos looking forward for a good meal, movie tonight and quality time talking and being with them. I hate cock-ups in plans. I dislike it when I have put all my hopes in something and it doesn't work out. But in life, things like that happen and I guess I have to get used to it. Plus I had raised my voice at Alf cos I am unhappy, he is upset. Adding to my sadness. So sorry Alf, I didn't mean to vent my unhappiness at you.

Give me some time to cry and to get over it. I will be the happy Helen back.

Really upset and stressed about work matter. I really wish everything in life would just go smoothly but that is not suppose to be. So Helen be strong. God is with you and He loves you. Isn't that enough?

Treasure your marriage

2007-05-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

Finally the final ep of channel 8 10pm show Mars Vs Venus. This show really teaches me a lot. I agree with the final words they say. A marriage needs to put in effort to make it work. Both parties have to put in their love seed and prune it regularly. All those reading my blog, pls treasure your marriage. There are a million people in the whole world and God match the two of you together. There must be a reason and also you two will be the perfect fit to a zig-saw puzzle. Problems will arise and you will think that this marriage is not worth saving but think deeper into the picture. There will be no one that loves you like God, your partner and maybe your mother. Be willing to forget and forgive the wrongs each other has done, if they can repent, cos their repentance is already a prove of love for you. It takes two hands to clap and when two becomes one they will need to share everything with each other. The good and bad. Both need to be as open to each other so that we can know each other better and find the best way to work things out. Don't let the love between you two fade, give surprises, make extra time for each other to spark up the love. I personally don't think that love can just work by itself. You need to express to the other party. Let the other party know how much he/she meant to you.

I have thought of a great plan to surprise Alf. I really hope that he will say yes when the time comes. That is when I have successfully quit smoking. That day will come I believe and my target is end of June. Though I myself don't feel like quitting cos I really like smoking, donno y, it's for Alf that I am quitting cos I know that he hates girls whom smoke. May I hold on to this thought and fulfill it.

Alf, I just want to tell you that you really mean so much to me. I have taken you forgranted in the past and I regret my choice that I made 4 months ago. I know it's going to be hard for you to accept me back again but I will try to wait ok. I hope that I will be able to wait till the day you say yes. I love you.

Strange

2007-05-26T10:37:00.001+08:00

Strange illness. My cough and flu seems to be recovering but fever still present. Already since last Wed le. When will I actually recover? Tomorrow I going to see dr back and test for dengue. Don't care precaution is better then cure. Draw blood to check.

I want to say sorry and a very big THANK YOU to my colleagues for covering my duties last few days.. Plus tomorrow. Hope test result neg then can come back Tue. Thank you to Alf for taking care of me, my friends for showing concern. All you that is reading my blog. THANK YOU!!

Sunday Yvonne's birthday, I don't know whether she will read my blog but Happy Birthday to you. Sorry didn't get to meet you cos I am sick. Look forward for the birth of your baby!! Wonder if I can be god-ma?? Hehe...

I really miss all of you. Staying at home everyday and just facing four walls is very boring and not nice. Somemore keep sleeping cos med makes mr drowsy. Hope to see you all real soon. Hugss.....

Disappointed

2007-05-26T10:37:00.000+08:00

Really sad and disappointed yest morning. Cried.. I was real sick and ask Alf to bring me c dr, he say have to go work.. Ok. Then ask him go check clinic time since only behind, he didn't. I couldn't understand cos just 5 mins walk he also refuse. Thinking that even a basic friend wouldn't mind checking for me. Alf called me later in office, he also couldn't believe that he actually didn't go check for me. Just a simple task.

Alf.. want to let you know that I forgive you. It's over ok..

Still running fever.. Wed seem dr and yest also. Dr says if monday still like that have to check for dengue. I hope it is not. Hate hospitals. No thermometer at home, cannot check the temp now. Old one spoiled.. Sigh..

I miss everyone. My colleagues, my friends, Alf (though just seen him yesterday night) and you whoever is reading my blog.. Hehe..

Hope tonight I will be better cos Alf say if I can he bring me to eat my fav steak at that nice place in Orchard. :p

Five Languages of Love

2007-05-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

Think about the five love language as below. Which one is most important to you and which least. Most of often the top one and two is most impt.

1) Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.
Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.

2) Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.
Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.
An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.
Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

3) Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.
If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.
The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.
These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

4) Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.
Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking to dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.

5) Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.
Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.
It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.
All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.
It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.

"The above is quoted with thanks from http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html"

What's yours. Share with me at my email.

For me:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Physical Touch
3) Receiving Gifts
4) Acts of Service
5) Quality Time

For me and Alf. The top is totally different. Only 2nd one is the same. Number 2 and 3 used to be in reversed position but now after thinking I changed it. I remember my friend used to tell me that 3rd is the least impt of the 3rd and only that is the same between Alf and me. We really need to work things out. Sigh...

Sick sad day

2007-05-24T17:36:00.001+08:00

Helen is having another one of her sick sad days. Lonely.. Can someone just come and hug me? Even a friendly one is enough. Sigh.

Cough cough.. just now bring Rex down for a walk also not long. Slightly dizzy have to come back le.. Luckily Rex has pooed and peed liao.

In life one has to be strong. I have always believe that every thing someone goes through is for their own good but this time I am down again. I am weak.. in mind and heart. I am feeling very very lonely. No hugs, no kisses and no more mushy words heard. I know sometimes when ppl say those things they may not be truth but I want to hear them. Hear them speak through the mouth. I am just happy that way.

There are some things I see recently that I really want to get. Flowers, hp strap, handbags, earring, etc.. A lot of things but if someone I love gives me one of those, I will be over the moon. I have always treasure what others give me, esp when it's my love ones. Be it my family members, Alf or my friends. A lot of you matters a lot to me and I know u would know who u are if you are reading this.

Have no time, try to make time. Even that 5 mins I will appreciate a lot. Just having you look for a gift for me shows that you care for me. Not bring me along and let me choose.

Y am I behaving this way? It is not reactional at all and also I don't like this me. I should always learn to use my brain more then my heart but I am a girl right. All ladies love being dote on, being pampered for.

Helen be strong. You can do it...

Blog

2007-05-22T16:01:00.000+08:00

Hopefully this blog will be on top. My blogs have recently been dated wrongly time and again. If you read below you should know.

One of my good friend's birthday tomorrow. Wanna wish him happy happy birthday. Wish that his work will be smooth sailing and not so stressful. Relationship with wife be nice and good, loving everlasting. He stay forever youthful and sweet. Stay healthy!!

Sigh... everyone will say ai yo Helen, y keep sighing one. But hor... sigh.. hehehaha... Things with Alf is making me feel upset. People will still see happy-go-lucky Helen but inside... I know I can't hurry things but the slow slow pace it is crawling makes me upset. Helen has always been a love deprived person. I know.. So always long to be loved, to be cared... Since young I guess I haven't have a lot of those. Helen pray and endure.. U can do it!!!!

Online shopping

2007-05-17T14:16:00.000+08:00

Sigh. I go online shopping is to save money cos they are cheaper and sometimes better. But y can't Alf understand? Sigh.. I am almost addicted to online shopping. I can stop clothes cos some of the times they are not nice but how about other things? Makeup? Accessories? Sigh.. headache.

Tired and unwell Helen

2007-05-16T09:47:00.000+08:00

Feeling so tired and unwell. Headache, stomachache and feeling like puking. Think cos of bad weather and also menses. Plus that time MC dr gave me some strong painkiller and think affecting my gastric also. If later can get time off will go c chinese physician.

Still thinking about the rumour spreader. I don't know who is it but I am very upset about the whole incident. Sometimes, except from my husband, I don't know who I can trust. All these stress is not good at all. Affecting my work in a way. I hate it.

I am thinking of Alf a lot. He workign afternoon shift and I hardly can get to see him cos working from 4pm to 1am. At night, I try not to sleep so early as to spent some time with him. I don't know whether others can see it but I am really putting effort in the relationship to make it work. Marriage is a once in a lifetime kindda thing and hard to come across a guy that will love me so much. I must treasure and put in effort to make this work.

Please pray for me my friends. For me and Alf to get back together and have a blissful & long lasting this lifetime marriage. For my work direction. For my health. Thanks pals.

Mind togging pharse

2007-05-14T23:20:00.002+08:00

Arrhhhh.. this entry is on 21st May 22.17. Blogger pls pls do something about all these wrong dates!!

When a man commits wrong, his woman will forgive him very easily.
But when an woman commits wrong, it will take a million years for everyone to forgive her.

Friends

2007-05-14T23:20:00.001+08:00

Ai yo, wrong date again. Something wrong with this blogger.com? Suppose to be dated 18th May 2007. Sigh..

Shouldn't friends be those that give advise then if she don listen then leave her to be but if she turn around and need you, you will be beside her also. Everyone have a right to keep secrets and I think I can repect that. Sigh... I don't know what I am talking about also. A lot of feelings inside me but I don't know how to express it out. How to put in words.

Simply speaking those friends that are disappointed in me, I am also disappointed in them. I don't know how to put in words but I believe that everyone have a right to choose what they want to do in life and I respect those choices. No matter is bad or good. Cos everyone have to pay the price of whatever they do eventually. I learned a lot of things from B recently. He is someone with lots of wisdom and I really respect him a lot for this. I admire him for his talent but that's all for now. My love is reserve for you all know who lah.. Hope you all don't get the person wrong or I will be sad.

I believe that it's pure admiration and nothing else. I can admire a guy or a gal and it's a fulls stop. Nothing more. Not loving and no other feelings involve. Like last time when I admire Ben or James like that. Wonder if anyone else understand what I am saying. I hope Alf does.

I have done wrong and I know. I am turning back now, wishing that you all will accept me back. I know you need time and I understand. Pardon me for being sad at times when I know that you have not accepted me back.

Many people say that they understand me fully. Think about this, I don't think so. Even I myself don't know myself well enough. Many times I am putting up a front cos I have to.

Hate rumour spreading person and backstabbers!!!

2007-05-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

Don't ever let me find out who is the one that spread the stupid rumour about me going back together with ~. You will no more be my friend if you do that!!! I mean it!!!

I am putting in effort to go back to Alf liao. Staying at home more, cutting down on cigrette, etc. I am even willing to give up my job if Alf wants but I have not heard that from him yet. I love Alf and that's why I am doing all these. No other reasons ok.

All what B, J, ~ is OUT!!!!

Stressed, Upset

2007-05-11T16:08:00.000+08:00

I am still on MC today. Ok just now and after a call from Alf I feel very upset, stressed. ~ has lied about things and made me really disappointed in him. I would choose not trust him anymore.

I only now wish to get back together with Alf and live life like before. Does anyone believe me???

Everything is going fine

2007-05-10T14:39:00.000+08:00

Quarrelled with Alf just Fri night or should I say Sat wee hours of morning. But now things are better. I promise to stay by his side and not go out with colleagues so often. Maybe at most once a month.

I want to get back with Alf. Though things are not confirmed yet cos he is still monitoring me I am happy with the way things are now. He cares for me a lot. Hmm.. I really have to prove myself and I will do it.

I think I lost my bro le. He is unhappy with my behaviour this past few months and still will not believe that I will change. Somemore Alf called him last Sat. So I think worst le. Hmm... I am sad cos I don't wish for anyone to stop doting me. I am selfish but I do want my brother. I just treat him like my brother now. Like in the past.

I have been sick the last few days. Monday diarroa then these few days headache. I wonder why. Maybe cos that stupid monthly thingy of females and also the stupid weather. Should be going to c the dr later.

I don't want anything anymore

2007-05-05T12:39:00.000+08:00

Decided that I don't want anything anymore. Not my hubby, not my house, not my career, not Rex. Anyone wants Rex?

I am giving up everything. I don't want anything anymore.

Do not make mistakes

2007-05-03T22:23:00.000+08:00

I think human can't afford to make mistakes. I regret my choice 3 months ago and now I am suffering the consequences.

I am sad, I am very sad. I am crying now. Can anyone give me a chance to turn back. I know I am wrong le and I waqnt to turn back. I want to be back together with you again Alf. I love you.

I have realise my wrongs and what I have done the past few months is really selfish. I cannot turn back the clock now. I can only try to redeme the situation but nothing seems to help. I am very sad. I want to turn back. Pls give me a chance!

Happiness

2007-05-02T13:12:00.000+08:00

I have really been very happy these few days. After I made my choice, I have been feeling happy. Maybe cos I know where I can find my happiness liao.

Yesterday we went Suntec. Manage to find the last Selena dvd. So so happy. Watched it with Alf late at night. Feel like crying.. I think not caring how many times I watch still will feel like crying.

I really hope Alf will accept me back soon. It will take time but I will try my best. Have been real cute these days. I think I am reverting to old self. Real happiness does make a big diff.. I still love you mear mear..

I have decided

2007-04-30T10:27:00.000+08:00

I have decided to do what I have to do. Follow my needs. I will try to get back together with Alfred. He is what I need. All those others are only my wants and it is not what I really need.

I know I will be happy and those sacrifies are worth it!! :) Work hard Helen, you can do it!!

Cute

2007-04-27T11:01:00.000+08:00

Do you think I am cute? Maybe my friends from the past will think so but not the me now. They may take it that I am acting cute. Only Alf knows my truth cutie self.

Where has the bubbly, innocent, Helen gone to? She is still hiding inside me.. Sometimes cannot reveal. Sometimes don feel like revealing.

I have my plans, I have my dreams, when will they ever come true. Would I be able to find someone that loves me like Alf did? Would I be able to love someone that much? If one day, you find me being a really "small woman" to someone, that will be the guy lor.

Poor, very money poor now. Anyone like to contribute? Helen would like to have an anklet and earrings.. Hehe.. Don't buy ok, I just joking and thinking out loud.

Work has taken a turn and also a bit of toll on me. However today is Fri and I feeling very happy. Feel like going out tomorrow. Karaoke or dance or watching movie. Any of the above lor. Hopefully will be having our every Fri meeting tonight....

Work work and work

2007-04-25T11:42:00.000+08:00

Most of the things that is occupying my mind is work. I hope and pray to be able to reach all our targets. Everyone will be happy. I will be less stressful. That is my job right?

Being foolish is something that not everyone can do and you have to sacrifice a lot of things to be a fool. People may ask me y be a fool? But a fool will be a happy person cos he/she just need to trust and believe in everything anyone says. No need to doubt, no need to think of ways to counter someone, no need to hate. I like that innocent Helen years ago. Can say a fool but then I was very happy.

M is also in my thoughts. His personality and the way he care for me really touch me. There are restrictions and I will keep by them but I long for some things.

Alf is Alf. I shouldn't expect things from him that is not him. I should be grateful to God for Alf. He actually fits me in everyway. I used to think that we are two perfect fit of a zig-zaw puzzle and I still feel this way. Then y can't I just accept it and change myself? Stubborn? Not having enough fun?

All is fair in the world cos no one is fair. Do you understand this logic? I am beginning to.. I shouldn grumble about things... I am already fortunate enough.

I miss you,
I miss you everyday.
Something special brought us together.
And since the day we met things have changed for me.

What was it that brought us together I can't figure out.
Don't we wish that we have known each other eariler?
Would things be any different?
Would we be happy?
Does it matter since now things is set.

You have your life and I have mine.
Let's just enjoy the company we have in each other.

I Could Fall In Love

2007-04-25T11:34:00.001+08:00

I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
'Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
'Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

I could only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still?
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

And I know it's not right
And I guess I should try to do what I should do
But I could fall in love
Fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

Siempre estoy soñada en ti
Besandos mis labios, acariciando mi piel
Abrazadome con ansias locas
Imaginando que me amos
Cómo yo podia amar a ti

So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love
I could fall in love
With you...

Updates

2007-04-24T14:08:00.000+08:00

Haven't been really contacting ~ for a few days liao. Sun never even sms him. Yesterday, just sms only. Today, called him a few times and also smsed him. He is very busy.

There is a new guy in my life. M... He is very caring to me and I like it. Hope to be able to know him better and spend more time with him. I enjoy his company a lot. His dogs also. Hehe...

Work wise, things have not been working real well. We need more people. Anyone looking for job, just email me helensim80@yahoo.com.sg

For Alf, I don know what to say. I still don't know whether I should put in effort or not.. Want it but scared...

Should I start all over again?

2007-04-22T00:14:00.005+08:00

Strange. There is something wrong with blogger. Cos this blog is suppose to be made on 30th Apr on 12.04am. How come they put another date?

This has been on my mind for a very long time. Should I go back together with Alf? I cannot remove the hurt in me, I am very scared. Can we be more loving then any other normal couple in the world. More loving then in the past? Would we be able to trust each other again. Would we be able to fully devoted to each other again? We would really need to work real hard and be like "xiao long nu" and "yang guo". I regret very much leaving him that time, I should have given us the chance to make things right. Now it's hard to return things back to before. I could loose him forever now. I realise that I still have feelings for him. I am very very very selfish. I know. But what can I do now? I don't have the strength. I am crying as I am typing this blog. I feel very very rotten now.

What if I start all over again all by myself? A new life completely w/o him. Would I be able to take it? I long to be the foolish Helen again. If I choose this path, I will have to give up my marriage cos being married means I have to be strong. If I choose to concentrate on Alf, then I may have to give up my dream of being a Manager.

I long to be cared for again. To be loved again. I have to make the decision fast cos I have no time. Someone else is on my trail. I may loose Alf forever. I need directions, I need to know what I want. I need God.

Crying here alone, I long for someone to hold me. To tell me all things would be ok again. To tell me that he would always be here for me. Who would that person be? Would I ever be together with him??? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? All this is killing me. I only I can run away from all these. I long to run away. I want to run away. I don't want to be hurt, confused. I hate this. Why am I crying. Why do I have to cry. I chose this path myself and I have to bare with it.

Torn apart

2007-04-22T00:14:00.001+08:00

This post is done on the night of 25th April. Donno y date registered wrong.

I feel torn apart now.. How come only he can make me feel this way? Except from Alf, no one else have made me feel like that liao. I wish to set up a family with him. Bear him kids, take care of the family for him so that he can go out and work in peace. He need not worry about anything else. When he comes home, we will be with him. No matter how stressful or unhappy he is, when he reach home, that is his comfort zone. Everything is released. Only Alf and ~ have made me want this with.

He and his gf is good. His gf is improving and making him happy. Can she last like this? I believe she is putting in effort to make this relationship work liao. Y can't it be me? Why have things come to suh a stage. Y did I allow this to hurt me so so much?

I have no one. No one to hug me and tell me that everything is ok, everything would be ok. My feelings is like the heavy pouring rain out there. God please heal me!! I need You.

Crying silently here. Does anyone care, does anyone know? The last time I felt this way was when I heard the news from Alf. I promise not to let myself get hurt like this anymore. Y Y Y Y...........................

Dreaming of you

2007-04-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
Thinking of me too
~ * ~ * ~
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
~ * ~ * ~
Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
Would you even care?
~ * ~ * ~
I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day
And the courage to say how much I love you
Yes I do
* ~ * ~
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

Dress

2007-04-20T10:34:00.000+08:00

Today wore a new dress to work. B said it is awful on me. So sad. I know I look a bit fat in this dress but awful??? Cry.. sob. Asked my other colleagues and they feel it's ok with the cardigan. Sigh... If anyone wants, then I sell, if not I keep lor.

Yest night Alf read my blog and started acting funny. I know why he reacted in this way but I do feel not good. I wonder what will my final choice be, but I do treasure my time and "friendship" with Alf.

As for ~, not much about him. We still din't get to meet and he still did not sms much except before he sleep yest smsed me.

Today I am taking time off. Going to c dr at SGH for my appt. Actually, I also made an appt with a slimming centre. I hate the fats around my tummy, thighs and chin. Hope to get rid of them. Should I go??? I wonder.

Morning

2007-04-19T09:55:00.000+08:00

Good morning everyone. I seem cheery today right? Hmm.. cos nothing much happen yesterday to upset me.

Wanted to meet ~ so much yest but he was with his gf.. Ok... Then didn't even answer my sms.. Sad. Watched the 7pm and 9pm Channel 8 yesterday. So wishing ~ was with me. Those people that did watch the shows would know. I wonder if I died (though I am not a superstar) people would still remember and get sad over me. I wonder how many there will be. But please don't stay in depression for too long. Maybe, just maybe there will be people who are happy. At least I know there will be one cos he feels that life is a place of unhappiness. Being able to die is also a blissful thing.

After watching those shows, my mind begin to wander. Went back to those days I was with Alf. Life though boring and uneventful, I had someone who really cares about me beside me. We could share all our troubles and happiness. I do regret making that choice sometimes. But... I believe that things in life happen for a reason and most of the time, we will learn something to benefit us. God will never put us in something that we cannot take.

Yesterday the documentary at Arts Central was good. Planet Earth and was talking about fresh water. A lot of sights and animals to see. Alf also watched the 2nd half with me. I enjoyed it.

I wish that I can go back to the past Helen. The kind cared, caring, not bothering about how others treat me but just be nice to them, never thinking that anyone is scheming against me. Life has toughen me up and I have become more bad and careful...

Oh ya almost forgot to add, yest someone told me that when she first met me and B, she thought we are a couple. She asked why am I not together with B. I told her that it is B that rejected me, not me rejecting B. She refused to believe it.. Hee.. She feels that B and me is really compatible..

I trust him

2007-04-18T10:30:00.000+08:00

I choose to trust ~ and I will wait. Foolish? Stupid? I don't care. I want my happiness and I am willing to put in the effort for him cos I think he is worth it.

~ was sick yesterday. I hurt too. I wish I can be there to take care of him till he is well. Cook nice soup to help him with his illness. Be beside him to hold him so that he may feel better. Well.. I am not his gf, I can't do that. I wish that his gf will be doing that. ~ does need that type of care.

Finally yesterday can get to go home on time. Played my burger rush and also watched Gakuen Alice.. Arrhhh, can't find ep 13. Then my internet decided for me that it is time to rest, it just refuse to connect. Ok then, I have to off my pc and rest.

Talked to Alf. Everything was fine till I received a phone call resulting in us to squabble again. Sigh, why must Alf always make me get upset? Chest pain again. I told him that I feel that I am a little ant. He press it one time, it doesn't die. He try another time and again it still don't die. He wants to press it till it dies. I know I am very bad thinking in this way but I feel that way. Maybe, just maybe we are just out to anger each other. Do we hate each other? Maybe in our hearts bah..

Foolish girl

2007-04-17T11:17:00.000+08:00

I heard of some "bad" information yesterday that I can't digest. It's about ~ of course. I don't know whether I can trust that information. I have to think things through.

Smsed ~ regarding the information that I got yesterday. Refused to tell him who told me somethings. He told me there is no other girl with him other then me and his gf. I think I will choose to trust him. Is he worth such a big sacrifice and to wait. I don't know. Using my brains to think, I am a very foolish girl. But then, chinese saying "sa ren you sa fu", meaning foolish people has foolish fortunes. Should I continue, would I be happy this way?

Had a good time talking to B again yesterday. I enjoy his company. He is really a great company. Sometimes I wonder why we can spent hours just talking. If you ask me what we talk about, I can't really pin point also. Just everything under the sun. If only, if only there is a chance for me and him..

Life

2007-04-16T10:05:00.000+08:00

What does most normal woman want in life? A happy marriage with doting husband and lovely kids. A good career. Money. Friends.

What does most normal man want in life? A happy mariage with a good wife to support them. Career. Money. Friends, plus sex.

Sigh, am I right or wrong. I feel that way. That sex issue with man has caused a lot of them to have broken marriage due to external parties. Having another sex partner outside marriage, is that the common thing now? Why must man do this? Is the chinese saying "which cat doesn't eat fish" correct/true?

Last week, I think I had a good week. I enjoyed those drinking, talking session with B. Just being friends. I think we would be better off as friends. If we are bf and gf, I would have more expectations from him and would end up breaking up. A lot of times, I wish I am a guy. Then I can be buddy buddy with him. Would like that a lot. Although ~ was still on my mind. I could still enjoy my sessions and work. That's quite good.

Until Sat night, or should I say Sun morning. ~ sms me. I don't know.. It kindda rekinds all those bad feelings again. I don't know what I should do. Or rather, I know what is the correct thing to do but my mind does not obey my heart. I still love him and love hurts.

Can I ever go back to the times when I was just having a simple marriage with doting husband. I only need to concentrate on my career and everything else is well taken care of. I wish and want to have a good marriage with doting husband and kids. I long for that more then anything else. In life, things are always hard and it is up to you to fight and work for your happiness.. I fail. I can't.

Somemore, stupid menses is making me feel bad today also. 2nd day and its killing me. Late nights last week plus that menses is killing me.. Arhhhhhhh..

Nice quiet night

2007-04-13T11:54:00.000+08:00

Yesterday so nice.. After leaving office, B and me went to distribute flyers at Bedok Interchange. We stopped at about 8.30pm. Legs tired, hands numb.. Hehe..

We went Mac where I had my dinner. Then we went coffeeshop sit down drink. Haha, can't believe that we can actually drink and chat till 11.30pm. So much to talk about. Work, personal life, etc. It's sure nice talking to him.

No, no, don't think the wrong way. We are both only friends and I guess will remain that way. Better to stay like that also. Then I wouldn have too many expectations from him and he wouldn't be tied down too much. Yah, I guess some people are just meant to be friends.

I am still hanging on to ~. Though we never spoke to each other for so long and also still thinking about him. I am missing him. His looks, his smile and also his driving pattern. Sigh.... wonder how he is doing with his gf and also how is his working life. I guess he should be very stressed up. I wish I can be there to comfort him. I know I can't help him much in his work, but at least be there for him. Help him relax a bit after working hours. I can't be the one now, I know. Hopefully his gf is doing the job now..

For ~

2007-04-12T14:59:00.000+08:00

A draft of a song I am coming up with for ~. It is not yet really a song, it needs to be perfected.. Just write down for reference.

Thinking of you
I am thinking of you
You have always been on my mind
never taking a moment of leave
Worrying how's your life
caring about your feelings
Do you know how much I care

* I just want you to be happy
I like the smile on your face
It brightens up my day
It removes all hurt in me

I remember
the good times we have had
reviving them in my mind
it empowers my life
If only you can give us a chance
We would be a blissful pair

*
And I love you so..

Yesterday

2007-04-12T10:22:00.000+08:00

After work yesterday, went out with David, Res, Andy and Hazel. Hazel called me asking to go out for a small drink and talk. We also invited Res, David and Andy along. Have to "force" David and Res to go out.

I met with Res at Paragon first then we all met up at Paradiz Centre. Had dinner at foodcourt then David drove us to meet Andy. Wanted to go his work place but found out he on his way home.. Haha.. Poor David. Like our driver for the day. I feel very bad regarding this.

Then after picking Andy, we went to Sentosa. Went to a pub there and chill out. Hazel and me had one alcoholic drink each while the guys had non-alcohol.. Haha, once in blue blue moon. Strike lottery liao. David is very very tired, somemore got impt meeting today. I went for a walk with Res and we talked about my life. Then David called to say he going back, so we proceed back. It was already about 11pm plus liao. Over his sleeping time, hehehe.... Poor David he must be terribly tired today.

David drove us all to Vivo and Hazel went back on her own. Bad bro Andy. I have always think that all girls should be sent home by a guy since it is that late at night. Andy went home alone also. Res send me home and waited with me for Wong for the office keys. Then he went home.

Nothing much happened. I enjoyed the gathering and talking session. But inside me still feeling very terrible cos of ~. I still think about him a lot.. a lot. Half of me wishes for ~ to be good and happy with his gf. The other half wants him to be with me. I believe very strongly that we will be very happy together. Yes, we may still have things that we don't agree on but I am sure we would be able to resolve it.. If only, if only there is a chance for me to prove that.

Yong Qi

2007-04-10T15:44:00.000+08:00

I am on half day leave today. Now at my friend's house blogging. This morning, I thought of a lot of things to write but now a bit speechless.

~ has finally made up his mind to give his relationship with that girl one last try yesterday. He told me to stop waiting. But can I do so. I hate that girl for hurting him so. I don't think that this last chance will work out but a bit of me hope that it will cos I want ~ to be happy. I told him, anything he does just be happy and I will support him. Saying is easy, doing is not. I am very down. Very hurt. I feel that things have not been fair to me. Today a song keep going in my brain.. Yong Qi by Liang Jing Ru. I want to give this song to him. I hope to have a start with him. In fact, I also do hope to get married and set up a family with him. We have our differences, but I believe that we will be very happy and blissful together. If ~ is reading this, just go and be a happy man. If things doesn't work out with her, pls pls stop the whole thing. I just want you to be happy!!!

Love sucks

2007-04-03T14:22:00.000+08:00

Love sucks.. Maybe B is right, humans like to torture themselves. They like to hurt. I know that I am rebellious, likes to fight for my own rights also discovered that those ppl that I fight to have I will treasure more. I didn't treasure Alf enough, didn't love him enough that's y I left. Given another chance, I guess both me and Alf will work harder to make things work. But all is too late.

Hurt has occupied my heart and mind. But the wonderful lunch at Delifrance just now did make me feel better. I know that B will not accept me and I will not harbour anymore hope anymore.

As for the one that hurt me... Let's call him ~. I am willing to wait for him but should I continue doing things that I should not do? ~ is a guy that everyone will dream of being with. Nice, sweet, nice family, handsome, comfortable income. I guess there would be a lot of girls after him, what makes me exclusive from the rest of them. Nothing I guess. Even if I wait, maybe other girls will be the one that will get his attention and he will be with them instead. I really don't know what to do. I wonder how come I can fall for someone just in two weeks time. All the while I like him as a friend, I also know that he is the most eligible one amongst all. But could someone really fall in love so fast. Though I have known him for years?

I dislike the girl that is hurting ~ now. He deserve better then her. He deserve to be with someone that really understands him, help him in his career and family, truthly love him. But all is up to ~. I respect his choice though I wish he can stop letting that girl hurt him. Enough is enough, that girl has turned his life upside down and as if it is not enough. SIGH...

Guys will never treasure girls that they can get easily. Lose them then guys will think about the girl and wish that he can have them back. Always, it is too late... Guys out there reading my blog, friends please do not commit the same mistake. Treasure those that love you!!

Miserable

2007-04-03T09:32:00.000+08:00

Drank some alcohol last night. To really count, 1 can. Not a lot, but enough for me lor. Alf was at home, I cannot drink too much also. I am so so upset. Maybe I am just not attractive to anyone. No good qualities at all. What has life got in store for me? What decisions should I make. Should I continue with this miserable life? Should I just let everything go. Saying is easy, doing is hard. No one to stand with me, no friend nor shoulder to cry on. Just myself. Me alone. I wish to get away, go for a short trip myself. But how??? No money, don know where to go. And alone? Can I make it? Never tried going overseas alone. I need a friend, a friend that I can be with and just cry. No need to say anything just let me cry. Not one that scolds me, not one that just want to bed me, no need to counsel me also.... Thanks...

Y am I here?

2007-04-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

I am down. Really down again. Very hurt.. my heart is painful. I am a girl that no one wants, no one appreciates. Maybe I have made my wrong choice. Maybe.. just maybe.

I shouldn't. I shouln't have fall for someone who has not settle his own affairs. It is said to be a no committment thing and I should have made my heart as that. Y, y have I fallen for him that easily. His looks, his character, his family attracts to me. Maybe I have been deprived of love for too long. Maybe I just need someone to be there for me. All those maybe.

Maybe I should just wait. I want to wait. I hope to wait. He told me not to. This time, it is going to take some time before I can really get over him. The heart is put in, the hope is put in. STUPID ME!!!